Monday, 29 January 2007
Self Doubt
Why do I always doubt myself I wonder...
Whenever something good happens to me I can't just live in the moment, I have to analyse it, scrutinise it, look at the nuances which everybody else disregards because it's ridiculous to even consider their significance. No, I have to take every little thing into consideration. I need to cover every aspect, every action, every intention before I can feel secure about something. More often then not I'd lose those nice feelings, having replaced them with doubt, paranoia and despair.
Why must I be affected so? Why must I react so?
Why must I always play out situations and simulations in my head before I do anything? It's always the case that I foresee or predict what is going to happen next from my observations and analyses that I don't bother to go through and find out which path reality would take because none of the paths in my calculations seem all that different from the other. The one time I did go through with it, life took the exact path I calculated it would, leaving me with nothing... well, actually it left me with less than nothing. To be fair it wasn't life but the circumstances and the choices that one person had to make. To be fair to that person, it was the only choice that was available as evident by the person's personality.
I tried suppressing this particular side of me. Tried living on the edge, doing things by impulse and living according to my 'heart'. That didn't work out particularly well either. By letting my emotions, my desires and my expectations of a person overwhelm who that person really is, I ended up hurting that person very badly. Hope can be a dangerous thing. Projecting your own hopes onto another human being can have devastating effects, especially if that person does not share your views. Nobody is ever truly "ONE"; we are all individuals and always our own person. We may live together but we all die alone (nuclear destruction, plane crash etc not withstanding though it can be argued that death is a solely personal experience). Never assume that you know every aspect of anyone or anything and never take anything or anyone for granted. That path ultimately leads to disappointment and despair.
So, what can I do? What must I do? What is the solution? If I knew, I wouldn't be bitching about this on my blog now would I?
Live each day as if it were your last? Who's to argue that a lifestyle like this one would not lead to a premature end to life?
Maybe SSRIs?
Instead of brooding and ruminating I should put certain plans and operations into effect to improve my 'quality of life' as it were and to actually attempt to attain the things and person I want in my life at the present moment.
Oh, to those that would advise me to not think so much this message is for you:
Fuck. You.
Thanks for all your advice, it's about as usual as a rotten tree branch in a fight against a machine gun totting sharpshooter.
Whenever something good happens to me I can't just live in the moment, I have to analyse it, scrutinise it, look at the nuances which everybody else disregards because it's ridiculous to even consider their significance. No, I have to take every little thing into consideration. I need to cover every aspect, every action, every intention before I can feel secure about something. More often then not I'd lose those nice feelings, having replaced them with doubt, paranoia and despair.
Why must I be affected so? Why must I react so?
Why must I always play out situations and simulations in my head before I do anything? It's always the case that I foresee or predict what is going to happen next from my observations and analyses that I don't bother to go through and find out which path reality would take because none of the paths in my calculations seem all that different from the other. The one time I did go through with it, life took the exact path I calculated it would, leaving me with nothing... well, actually it left me with less than nothing. To be fair it wasn't life but the circumstances and the choices that one person had to make. To be fair to that person, it was the only choice that was available as evident by the person's personality.
I tried suppressing this particular side of me. Tried living on the edge, doing things by impulse and living according to my 'heart'. That didn't work out particularly well either. By letting my emotions, my desires and my expectations of a person overwhelm who that person really is, I ended up hurting that person very badly. Hope can be a dangerous thing. Projecting your own hopes onto another human being can have devastating effects, especially if that person does not share your views. Nobody is ever truly "ONE"; we are all individuals and always our own person. We may live together but we all die alone (nuclear destruction, plane crash etc not withstanding though it can be argued that death is a solely personal experience). Never assume that you know every aspect of anyone or anything and never take anything or anyone for granted. That path ultimately leads to disappointment and despair.
So, what can I do? What must I do? What is the solution? If I knew, I wouldn't be bitching about this on my blog now would I?
Live each day as if it were your last? Who's to argue that a lifestyle like this one would not lead to a premature end to life?
Maybe SSRIs?
Instead of brooding and ruminating I should put certain plans and operations into effect to improve my 'quality of life' as it were and to actually attempt to attain the things and person I want in my life at the present moment.
Oh, to those that would advise me to not think so much this message is for you:
Fuck. You.
Thanks for all your advice, it's about as usual as a rotten tree branch in a fight against a machine gun totting sharpshooter.
Saturday, 27 January 2007
Bored? Yeap!
This be how my garden looked on Wednesday.Random thought of the day: I wish I were a Jedi.
Monday, 8 January 2007
Dial M for Murder.... wait, MARRIAGE! I meant Marriage!
My cousin, 4th from left...... (ok fine everyone in the photo are cousins but this is the only one I have for the time being so sue me) is now married.Marriage, the dreaded M word. Dreaded for me at least. I don't know why I fear it so; it could be the responsibilities, the implied loss of individuality with the whole "before you were 2, now you are 1" crap... I mean concept, or the fact that I have a very short attention span and get bored rather quickly.
Anyways, my own reservations about weddings and marriages aside, it was a gruesome 2 days of endless celebration. The photo above is from the bride's family pre-wedding shindig. Food, rude jokes, more food, more rude jokes etc.
At the wedding mass, I met up with some old friends I haven't seen in up to 7 years so we had an impromptu reunion of sorts with lots of catching up done. We were talking about a reunion sometime in 2010 so Shah, I'm leaving that in your hands.
There was another dinner on the wedding day itself which was arranged by the groom's side. Unfortunately I don't have photos from that event yet but it was filled with booze, booze and well, more booze. Homemade booze to be exact.
Ok, I think that's about as much as I can write about weddings and such. Till my next post, enjoy the pictures.
Ok, I think that's about as much as I can write about weddings and such. Till my next post, enjoy the pictures.
Tuesday, 2 January 2007
An Ideal Relationship
1) Great Sex
2) Great Conversation
3) Blunt Honesty
Optional) Must like cats/animals
the only 3 requirements of an ideal relationship that 3 friends came up with in the middle of the night. perhaps it's too idealistic of us to search for an ideal relationship where only these 3 things come into play but it appeals to us.
best friends with enough sexual attraction to want to sleep together and actually like it but not enough to get mushy about things.
here's hoping that we would eventually all find our ideals one day, knowing full well that we would most probably fall short of it and compromise quite a bit but it is still worth having an ideal.
to us 3, cheers and good luck because with our tastes in partners, we're gonna need it.
2) Great Conversation
3) Blunt Honesty
Optional) Must like cats/animals
the only 3 requirements of an ideal relationship that 3 friends came up with in the middle of the night. perhaps it's too idealistic of us to search for an ideal relationship where only these 3 things come into play but it appeals to us.
best friends with enough sexual attraction to want to sleep together and actually like it but not enough to get mushy about things.
here's hoping that we would eventually all find our ideals one day, knowing full well that we would most probably fall short of it and compromise quite a bit but it is still worth having an ideal.
to us 3, cheers and good luck because with our tastes in partners, we're gonna need it.
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