I was going to write something but I forgot what I wanted to write about....

Was whistling a tune I had in my head earlier while I was in Sainsbury's accompanying a friend which I had wanted to google and hence locate (re: illegally download) but as I got home, I forgot the tune and the lyrics that accompanied it.... bugger.

Kids today.... scary...

GUM clinic... scarier (as I've been told).... [perhaps start something BEFORE I am attached to OBGYN?]

Been debating about changing the title of the blog to "Will to Power" or as it is in its original German "Wille zur Macht" but I'm off 2 minds; Will to Meaning has a more positive outlook and it's about time I turn towards something more positive.

Sometimes you just feel so lonely you need to hang onto any thread of hope you have nearby (especially when you've been kicked as you were crying on the ground already), even if it's just a philosophical concept.

You'd think I'd be use to the loneliness by now but truthfully that closeness of the physicallity of having another person near you or the closeness of having someone want you because they do is something I'd like to experience again although at the rate I'm going, I'm liable to drive myself into a neurotic mess in a pit of Tartarus before anything good happens.

Hey look, I did write something........ still can't remember the bloody song though. Frak it.

What do you do?

What do you do, being the question asked when you have a great need, a great desire; one that is perhaps not too kiddy friendly?

What do you do when you feel the urge hitting you every so often like a continuous pounding wave that never stops?

What do you do when every iota of the matter that constitutes your form is telling you to give in and explore the madness?

What do you do when every notion in your mind is the same one?

What do you do when all you want to do is set the world ablaze and laugh & cry as you watch it all burn around you?

What do you do..... what would you do?

It's been awhile.....

As the title states, it's been awhile since I've written anything down....... well so that's not true, I've been concentrating on my poetry; sue me. It's been awhile since I've written anything non-fiction, that'd be more accurate I suppose.

So what's the point of this post? None I suppose... catharsis maybe? 'Life' in general has been acceptably good but there must always come a time in a person's life where you question what you have and where you're going. Unfortunately, for me that 'time' comes a hell of a damn lot but that is how you make sure you stay true to yourself, to your chosen path. Without doubt, without debate, without consideration of what you're doing, you're just stumbling and I despise stumbling.

So what's the doubt this time, what's the debate, what went wrong with my life at the moment so to say for me to be writing again to rant?

Answer: nothing.

Nothing's wrong............ well that'd be lying because there are some things which I'd prefer not to be there but I can't fix them or have them disappear at the moment but they're not affecting me that much so it's not significant.

So what is it?

Sometimes I wonder if it's all worth it. This hard work, the dedication, the single-minded drive... Sometimes I wonder if I'd be happier letting my sociopathic instincts take over and just cut loose. To be honest, I have let go of a lot of my misgivings, insecurities, etc.

Would it change a thing? Would it mean I'd think more about putting babies in microwaves to see what happens or less?

Will I openly admit how much I love those I care about or delve deeper into my private domain never allowing them to know?

You can't ever save everyone in the world and sometimes you can't even save thsoe you love most so why keep trying? Because you do, because you must. You try, you fail, you get up again and you fight.

Fight till the world ties you down and beats you to death. Fight till they realise you are fighting for them. Fight till you have no ounce of strength left to lift your arm but keep fighting anyway.

When someone beats you down you rise up and beat the crap out of him too.

When someone goes after those you love, defend them with your life.

Why am I still here doing what I do? Because I won't give up. I hate to lose.

Someday, I will be visible.