Thursday, 27 December 2007
Friday, 23 November 2007
An email all medical students received today:
IMPORTANT - Changes to infection control measures
Dear Student,
You are reminded that student dress must comply with infection control guidance appropriate to the clinical setting you are working in. Please note that from Feb 2008 in order to ensure infection control many Hospital Trusts will insist that all medical students and other healthcare workers are bare from the elbow down which also precludes wearing items such hand or wrist jewellery, wrist watches or false nails. The traditional doctors' white coat and ties will not be allowed. The spread of antibiotic resistant infections is a serious issue for the NHS and the welfare of patients, so please ensure you follow the instructions given to you on your attachments regarding appropriate dress.
Regards
Assistant Registrar (Clinical Medicine)
Registry
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Why do I get the feeling I'll be asked my role more often by patients now that I'll look like a school boy......
Sunday, 18 November 2007
Friday, 16 November 2007
Tuesday, 25 September 2007
La dee das
One of my consultants on my rotational surgical firm attachments said this to me today as I was assisting him in a procedure; "There's a hidden surgeon wanting to break out from that shell of yours." It's nice to be complimented by a consultant. God knows very little impresses them, especially when you're a 3rd year doe-eyed medical student.
So yea, today's been a long, hectic day that started out like one of those days but ended very well.
Will update more when my rotation's done. I miss my sleep, amongst other things.
So yea, today's been a long, hectic day that started out like one of those days but ended very well.
Will update more when my rotation's done. I miss my sleep, amongst other things.
Sunday, 2 September 2007
Busy busy busy
Looks like I'll be rather busy from now on. Lectures start tomorrow and surgical rotations start next week. Asides from the full day schedule Mondays to Fridays I'll be on call once a week in the different surgical departments plus one weekend.
On call room here I come!!
Also, we get our own pager thingies!! :D To bleep us when there's an emergency so we can rush into the hospital in the middle of the night! (actually we get hospital issued ones and I think there's only 4 in a group of 10 so how that's going to be sorted out is a mystery.... no pager = stay in on call room until something happens?)
Hospital management advised us to arrange the rota ourselves in groups of 2 for our on call nights ;) hehehehehehehehehe
I am so gonna love this job and probably hate it at the end of a hectic day but love it nonetheless.
A few friends and I had a nice dinner get together last night at Eva's which was yummylicious. Me of course being me, not knowing how to cook or do anything productive, supplied wine :P Thanks for the wonderful meal Elena, Eva and yes, Michele :D Seeing as my mum's here I'll arrange a dinner where she'll make some lovely dishes because if it were left to me to save the world by cooking, we are so fucked.
In one of our NON-alcohol or drug induced surreal 'adult' discussions we talked about religion and I think some of us have come to the conclusion that Medicine IS a religion and will promptly note it down as such in the next census. Of course later on in the night, almost every one of us came to the realisation that maybe we should not have been allowed into the clinical years... or actually medical school for that matter. We are, all of us, afraid for our patients hehehehehe :D Though on a serious note, I think we all have the potential to be good if not great medics.
Wish us all luck.
On call room here I come!!
Also, we get our own pager thingies!! :D To bleep us when there's an emergency so we can rush into the hospital in the middle of the night! (actually we get hospital issued ones and I think there's only 4 in a group of 10 so how that's going to be sorted out is a mystery.... no pager = stay in on call room until something happens?)
Hospital management advised us to arrange the rota ourselves in groups of 2 for our on call nights ;) hehehehehehehehehe
I am so gonna love this job and probably hate it at the end of a hectic day but love it nonetheless.
A few friends and I had a nice dinner get together last night at Eva's which was yummylicious. Me of course being me, not knowing how to cook or do anything productive, supplied wine :P Thanks for the wonderful meal Elena, Eva and yes, Michele :D Seeing as my mum's here I'll arrange a dinner where she'll make some lovely dishes because if it were left to me to save the world by cooking, we are so fucked.
In one of our NON-alcohol or drug induced surreal 'adult' discussions we talked about religion and I think some of us have come to the conclusion that Medicine IS a religion and will promptly note it down as such in the next census. Of course later on in the night, almost every one of us came to the realisation that maybe we should not have been allowed into the clinical years... or actually medical school for that matter. We are, all of us, afraid for our patients hehehehehe :D Though on a serious note, I think we all have the potential to be good if not great medics.
Wish us all luck.
Thursday, 30 August 2007
Wednesday, 29 August 2007
Back in London
Business class was niiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiice :D
I'm so tired :( Classes start on Monday for a full week of lectures then it's off to my surgical placement the week after! Wheee!!
I'm so tired :( Classes start on Monday for a full week of lectures then it's off to my surgical placement the week after! Wheee!!
Tuesday, 28 August 2007
An end to an interesting final long summer
So this is the end of my final long summer break. After this my holidays are few and far between, not to mention short. I'm flying back to London in the morning, back to my clinical years which means no more faffing around being stupid. It's time to get serious, to put all other thoughts away and focus on the job.
It's rather bittersweet I think. A lot of things happened this short summer: Two of my closest and dearest friends getting together, helping to plan for my beloved non-genetic female twin's surprise '17th' birthday party, letting a life slip through my fingers as I watched helplessly while trying to catch my breath in between compressions, smashing the head of an idiot into a glass table because he wouldn't stop heckling my twin, seeing those I care about happy finally. There were highs and lows and lows and lower still but at least it's starting to stabilise again. Hopefully they'll be highs soon enough. As I said, it's all bittersweet. Today was also quite possibly the last time I'll set foot in the ancestral home. My grandfather passed away not long ago and now the family's deciding what to do with the place. Civil War is coming and not the good kind with hot Bucky running around I'm afraid ;)
I hate goodbyes so I won't say anything about that because I'll try to come back as much as I can. No matter how much I detest this place at times it's still home and there are still people I care about here. People I call friends.
To Rin, I hope all goes well and you stay happy. Look for me for anything.
To Ivan, I hope all goes well for you too mate, you know how to find me.
To you both, all the very best.
To Fariah, thanks for an interesting summer. So sorry I can't make it for yours and Shook's wedding. I hope you two will be so happy. Congratulations!
To Shah, wish you were here this time round :(
To Markie, come to London oi! Stupid God-brother.
You are all family.
To everyone else, I'll see you when I see you.
Signing off,
BBCFY
It's rather bittersweet I think. A lot of things happened this short summer: Two of my closest and dearest friends getting together, helping to plan for my beloved non-genetic female twin's surprise '17th' birthday party, letting a life slip through my fingers as I watched helplessly while trying to catch my breath in between compressions, smashing the head of an idiot into a glass table because he wouldn't stop heckling my twin, seeing those I care about happy finally. There were highs and lows and lows and lower still but at least it's starting to stabilise again. Hopefully they'll be highs soon enough. As I said, it's all bittersweet. Today was also quite possibly the last time I'll set foot in the ancestral home. My grandfather passed away not long ago and now the family's deciding what to do with the place. Civil War is coming and not the good kind with hot Bucky running around I'm afraid ;)
I hate goodbyes so I won't say anything about that because I'll try to come back as much as I can. No matter how much I detest this place at times it's still home and there are still people I care about here. People I call friends.
To Rin, I hope all goes well and you stay happy. Look for me for anything.
To Ivan, I hope all goes well for you too mate, you know how to find me.
To you both, all the very best.
To Fariah, thanks for an interesting summer. So sorry I can't make it for yours and Shook's wedding. I hope you two will be so happy. Congratulations!
To Shah, wish you were here this time round :(
To Markie, come to London oi! Stupid God-brother.
You are all family.
To everyone else, I'll see you when I see you.
Signing off,
BBCFY
Monday, 27 August 2007
Battered shield...
mum... I know you and dad mean well but sometimes you just don't get it. how lonely I feel... it's not that my friends and I have tons of important stuff to talk about, it's just that your son is extremely lonely.....
it's not the sort of loneliness you can cure by spending more time with me either, no matter how many friends I have, I still am very lonely. my friends in the UK might be the best thing that has ever happened to me but I still feel lonely with them because I just do.
with some I connect almost instantaneously and the loneliness fades but that is a feat difficult to accomplish. one has to experience the same level of void-like emptiness, to experience the cut of the blade and the anguish of self doubt so torturing you wonder why you're alive and ponder if anyone would truly miss you if you weren't around. it doesn't mean I'm strong or unbroken when I don't show any signs of it, sometimes I am just too proud to admit I'm weak but when I am weak, I am very weak.
I am a lonely boy in the inside but a strong, egotistical person on the outside because, it's my shield. A battered shield.
it's not the sort of loneliness you can cure by spending more time with me either, no matter how many friends I have, I still am very lonely. my friends in the UK might be the best thing that has ever happened to me but I still feel lonely with them because I just do.
with some I connect almost instantaneously and the loneliness fades but that is a feat difficult to accomplish. one has to experience the same level of void-like emptiness, to experience the cut of the blade and the anguish of self doubt so torturing you wonder why you're alive and ponder if anyone would truly miss you if you weren't around. it doesn't mean I'm strong or unbroken when I don't show any signs of it, sometimes I am just too proud to admit I'm weak but when I am weak, I am very weak.
I am a lonely boy in the inside but a strong, egotistical person on the outside because, it's my shield. A battered shield.
Sunday, 26 August 2007
Learn this simple rule; hurt or abuse those I love in any way, be prepared to face the consequences.
I lost my temper again.
The day started out ok, it was a rather bad few days but Sunday started out well. I was slowly recovering from my low but it had to, had to be today that the parentals chose to "warn me in order to protect me" or "save me from the enemies that are around me". Yes I know they mean well but it just disgusted me so much, so fucking much. I had thought about coming back home to my home country in order to practise here and change our world but I'm starting to wonder what the point is?
If I'm willing to bring about evolution but no one is willing to accept it, what's the point? They taught me to think big, achieve more, go beyond the status quo and here they are imposing it. Sure, they're not really the ones imposing it they're just watching out for me within the supposed constraints of the law and our society but if no one is willing to go against society than evolution and revolution will never occur, we will just be stagnant for life in our set ways. Never moving forward, never achieving anything close to greatness.
Society is poison.
I hope the previous generation die suddenly without having enough time to ingrain the status quo into my generation but it looks to be too late anyways so I suppose I would one day choose the easier road, move away. Bringing those closest to me with me if possible.
On another note: I lost my temper on another matter.
The day started out ok, it was a rather bad few days but Sunday started out well. I was slowly recovering from my low but it had to, had to be today that the parentals chose to "warn me in order to protect me" or "save me from the enemies that are around me". Yes I know they mean well but it just disgusted me so much, so fucking much. I had thought about coming back home to my home country in order to practise here and change our world but I'm starting to wonder what the point is?
If I'm willing to bring about evolution but no one is willing to accept it, what's the point? They taught me to think big, achieve more, go beyond the status quo and here they are imposing it. Sure, they're not really the ones imposing it they're just watching out for me within the supposed constraints of the law and our society but if no one is willing to go against society than evolution and revolution will never occur, we will just be stagnant for life in our set ways. Never moving forward, never achieving anything close to greatness.
Society is poison.
I hope the previous generation die suddenly without having enough time to ingrain the status quo into my generation but it looks to be too late anyways so I suppose I would one day choose the easier road, move away. Bringing those closest to me with me if possible.
On another note: I lost my temper on another matter.
No one and I mean NO ONE abuses those I love. You do, you either see my fists coming at you or you get your head smashed into a glass table. Trust me, I can do far worse and repeat offences mean you start losing the use of some limbs. My anatomy may be crap but I know enough to allow me to pass into clinical years, meaning I know enough to make it hurt, forever or at least until you are in need of surgical treatment.
NO ONE HURTS THOSE I LOVE.
Clear and simple rule. Learn it.
NO ONE HURTS THOSE I LOVE.
Clear and simple rule. Learn it.
Saturday, 25 August 2007
Weak
I realise I'm the most selfishly human when I'm weak.
Vulnerable, frail, selfish, lonely. Reaching out to people.
Loving those I love, punishing those I don't.
Wanting not to be lonely...
Wishing things were different.
I am most human when I'm weak; selfish and lonely.
This last couple of days I was weak. Today or more like yesterday, I was at my weakest... I hope.
Tomorrow or today, I shall be back to "normal".
I leave with that.
Vulnerable, frail, selfish, lonely. Reaching out to people.
Loving those I love, punishing those I don't.
Wanting not to be lonely...
Wishing things were different.
I am most human when I'm weak; selfish and lonely.
This last couple of days I was weak. Today or more like yesterday, I was at my weakest... I hope.
Tomorrow or today, I shall be back to "normal".
I leave with that.
Friday, 24 August 2007
Wednesday, 22 August 2007
Circumstances
When circumstances work against you, especially when they conspire to take you down, destroy everything and anything that would make you happy for the "greater good" then the intent of it all is impure.
When the "greater good" is supposedly "religion" over say personal happiness or say the lives of others especially when the "greater good" that is "religion" only pertains to those that manipulate those circumstances in order to maintain their status quo or their supposed "good name" then the "greater good" in itself is impure, corrupt and evil.
Yes, ladies and gentlemen, you have finally read me use the term evil in reference to something other than myself in this blog. This is how fucked up I think the whole thing is.
So, what can one do in these sort of situations with these sort of circumstances and intentions? Easy; give in or fight a drawn out war.
Neither is actually the easy choice and the 3rd option is nonsensical (in case anyone was wondering yes I was thinking of R&J)
When circumstances work against you, you work around them. The war will be long, tedious and there will be times when doubt will creep in but you will have allies by your side and it will be worth it to fight, even if it is a hopeless war. The hopeless wars are the ones that are worth fighting for.
The previous generation will die one day and we shall be free. Let us just make sure we break free from their archaic concept of social constraints as well when it is our turn to run the world.
When the "greater good" is supposedly "religion" over say personal happiness or say the lives of others especially when the "greater good" that is "religion" only pertains to those that manipulate those circumstances in order to maintain their status quo or their supposed "good name" then the "greater good" in itself is impure, corrupt and evil.
Yes, ladies and gentlemen, you have finally read me use the term evil in reference to something other than myself in this blog. This is how fucked up I think the whole thing is.
So, what can one do in these sort of situations with these sort of circumstances and intentions? Easy; give in or fight a drawn out war.
Neither is actually the easy choice and the 3rd option is nonsensical (in case anyone was wondering yes I was thinking of R&J)
When circumstances work against you, you work around them. The war will be long, tedious and there will be times when doubt will creep in but you will have allies by your side and it will be worth it to fight, even if it is a hopeless war. The hopeless wars are the ones that are worth fighting for.
The previous generation will die one day and we shall be free. Let us just make sure we break free from their archaic concept of social constraints as well when it is our turn to run the world.
Friday, 17 August 2007
As I sit here on my living room floor deciding what to write on this nearly forsaken blog of mine whilst listening to Radiohead's 'Creep' as my friends are dozing off around me I realise that sleep sometimes can be a luxury for me. It's not to say that I can't fall asleep or that I don't get enough of it, sometimes I just think I consciously will myself not to sleep because I'd miss to much of life going on. I don't know why, I suppose being in the position I'm in I should know better but I also know how unexpectedly short life can be so I don't want to miss anything. Yet when it really comes down to living, I am rather stagnant. Stagnant as a pool of water devoid of oxygen.
It's amazing! I'm non-coherent in real life but rather coherent in written form! In case anyone is wondering I am slightly intoxicated right now though the buzz is leaving already.
Placebo's 'Protege Moi' is playing right now... Protect me from what I want... What do I want really? Do I actually need protection from it? I barely know what I want from life yet I feel as if I'm letting it pass by if I fall asleep. The only thing in my life right now that I know for certain is that I want to succeed.
Hmmm I seem to have written this particular post when I was infused with vodka, now that I am sober, I forget what the original intent of this post is suppose to be. Ah well, my PS3 arrived today!!!!!!!!!! WOOOOO!!
It's amazing! I'm non-coherent in real life but rather coherent in written form! In case anyone is wondering I am slightly intoxicated right now though the buzz is leaving already.
Placebo's 'Protege Moi' is playing right now... Protect me from what I want... What do I want really? Do I actually need protection from it? I barely know what I want from life yet I feel as if I'm letting it pass by if I fall asleep. The only thing in my life right now that I know for certain is that I want to succeed.
Hmmm I seem to have written this particular post when I was infused with vodka, now that I am sober, I forget what the original intent of this post is suppose to be. Ah well, my PS3 arrived today!!!!!!!!!! WOOOOO!!
Monday, 13 August 2007
Thursday, 2 August 2007
Update finally?
So, what have I been up to for the hols?
Been meeting up with old friends and kinda new friends and generally having a great time. Got myself attached to the local hospital for fun :P Did 2 weeks in the psychiatric department which was incredible!! Now I'm in A&E assisting SHOs with procedures and such. Performed CPR on a patient but unfortunately she died :(
In other news, I got 2 of my closest friends together! Yes, I played matchmaker and it's going great! :D
What else? Hmmmm, nothing much really. Too tired to go deep. I've updated the Fallen Literati so ppl can check that out. Well, till later I suppose :) I should sleep really but sleep like always is still a luxury. A friend suggested that I need a babe to look after me, haha couldn't agree more :) Till I find my truth, sleep tight all ye who slumbers.
Been meeting up with old friends and kinda new friends and generally having a great time. Got myself attached to the local hospital for fun :P Did 2 weeks in the psychiatric department which was incredible!! Now I'm in A&E assisting SHOs with procedures and such. Performed CPR on a patient but unfortunately she died :(
In other news, I got 2 of my closest friends together! Yes, I played matchmaker and it's going great! :D
What else? Hmmmm, nothing much really. Too tired to go deep. I've updated the Fallen Literati so ppl can check that out. Well, till later I suppose :) I should sleep really but sleep like always is still a luxury. A friend suggested that I need a babe to look after me, haha couldn't agree more :) Till I find my truth, sleep tight all ye who slumbers.
Saturday, 7 July 2007
Great News!!
I've passed my exams!!! I'm heading into 3rd year!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
WOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
WOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Monday, 2 July 2007
Update
I've created another blog for my experimentations in poetry, creative writing and whatnots that have nothing to do with ranting. I'm keeping this one rant full and that one rant free.
As I'm too tired and too bored to rant for too long I'll just say this. I miss old friends, it was very very very nice and refreshing to meet up with Soph on Saturday. Having one of the few people in the world that you can freely and I mean freely talk to without watching what you have to say or facing some sort of judgement is quite liberating. These are the only handful of people in the world that I suppose you could call my best friends and now I have one of them in my city, hopefully more will follow (hint. you know who you are. yes I am referring to you 3 back home and I know for a fact that one of you don't read my blog that often, shame on you.)
You guys make me less miserable. Thanks for that.
As I'm too tired and too bored to rant for too long I'll just say this. I miss old friends, it was very very very nice and refreshing to meet up with Soph on Saturday. Having one of the few people in the world that you can freely and I mean freely talk to without watching what you have to say or facing some sort of judgement is quite liberating. These are the only handful of people in the world that I suppose you could call my best friends and now I have one of them in my city, hopefully more will follow (hint. you know who you are. yes I am referring to you 3 back home and I know for a fact that one of you don't read my blog that often, shame on you.)
You guys make me less miserable. Thanks for that.
Friday, 15 June 2007
Ok, THIS is going to be a special post and I was going to say it's because it won't have me ranting as usual...
Sorry about that, my cat decided to sit on my keyboard and blog for me.
Anyways, this is a special post, in honour of my muse ;)
Written on the 15th of July 2007 in the library of my university next to my lovely muse.
Anyways, this is a special post, in honour of my muse ;)
Tempus Fugit
I am helpless, do not abuse me,
I can’t say, the things I need to say,
I need life, to nourish my being,
I need love as all Man do.
I am passionate; hold it not against me,
I rebel; it is within my nature,
I will fall, please, raise me up,
I need love as all Man do.
I am nothing, no one understands me,
I am no one, the world abandons me,
I am lost, I see no future,
I need love as all Man do.
I am someone, my life defines me,
I am found, my future is now,
I am something, I am human,
I give love for love is within me.
I am weak, but I am not decrepit,
I have lived, my circle is complete,
I am helpless again, do not abuse me,
I need love as all Man do.
I have returned, to where I began,
I lie here still, the world moves ever forward,
I feel cold, those around me shed,
I need no love now, just to be remembered, as all Man do.
Written on the 15th of July 2007 in the library of my university next to my lovely muse.
Wednesday, 13 June 2007
Because readers want an update.....
Yes I am still alive. Exams are coming so that should explain my disappearance. Anyways, here's a lil poem I wrote in the middle of the Geriatric Pharmacology lecture.... I should've been listening but I wasn't so there.
Void
The night is endless,
It is all I know,
Once I was full of goodness,
Now, I am void of soul.
The mark of Cain,
The curse of life eternal,
Death shall be brought by a tan,
Blood is the life of an immortal.
Nocturnal creature I have become,
What evil have I in life performed?
To deserve a fate such as this one,
No longer a man, no, I have been transformed.
To feed on the life of Man,
To survive is to hide in darkness,
"Demon" they call me, for accepting the Embrace of the Ancient Woman,
Lilith, my sire, the bearer of the gift that is my lifelessness.
Evil, my mission and my faith,
Eight centuries my life of unliving,
What is my sin to deserve such a fate?
Perhaps my joy in the art of killing?
Despair after centuries soon gave way to joy,
My inner demon, my soul had braced,
I see life, my prey, as nothing more than toys,
My unlife, my fate I now embrace.
Void
The night is endless,
It is all I know,
Once I was full of goodness,
Now, I am void of soul.
The mark of Cain,
The curse of life eternal,
Death shall be brought by a tan,
Blood is the life of an immortal.
Nocturnal creature I have become,
What evil have I in life performed?
To deserve a fate such as this one,
No longer a man, no, I have been transformed.
To feed on the life of Man,
To survive is to hide in darkness,
"Demon" they call me, for accepting the Embrace of the Ancient Woman,
Lilith, my sire, the bearer of the gift that is my lifelessness.
Evil, my mission and my faith,
Eight centuries my life of unliving,
What is my sin to deserve such a fate?
Perhaps my joy in the art of killing?
Despair after centuries soon gave way to joy,
My inner demon, my soul had braced,
I see life, my prey, as nothing more than toys,
My unlife, my fate I now embrace.
Tuesday, 1 May 2007
A Story....
The year is 2377; unfortunately the place is still this heap of a dustball called Terra: that would be planet Earth in the ancient tongue. 369 years have passed since the Golden Age of Humanity, the Golden Age that my father brought to this God-forsaken world. A world filled with technology so advanced, nothing was impossible but all that is lost now. Nothing remains, the last remnants of humanity struggling to survive in small pockets where the earth still fight valiantly for survival. Most of the planet is just barren wasteland now, a legacy of my father’s, a legacy I forced upon this planet.
No, I’m not dead; actually I’ve been walking this earth for 361 years. I’m just old, very, very old. Well, chronologically speaking of course, biologically I still look as if I’m in my mid 20s. I’m an Immortal you see, not really sure how it works just that there are a few of us out there and we are gifted, cursed, however you want to see it, to walk this earth for eternity. Disease will not kill us, trauma will not harm us, death will not touch us, but loneliness and despair are our eternal companions. My name is Lucius and this, this is my story. It is a tragedy, sometimes a comedy but mostly, a tale of revenge and survival.
So where shall I begin? Maybe it is best I start from the beginning; my father and the peace he brought, the calm before the terrible storm. I never got to know his name; nobody remembers his real name, not for centuries. The only person who knew my father’s true name was my mother but she died when I was 2. Though my father was human, he was by no means normal. They called him the Light-Bringer, Prometheus, the One who saved humanity, of course that was before they dragged him out into the streets and shot him in the head. That happened when I was 4, the day after I learnt how to call him daddy. After that they called him the False One, Doom-Bringer, the One who damned humanity. How fickle the masses can be eh?
My father, let’s call him Prometheus, was by all accounts, a normal human being, unlike myself. He was a healer or at least he was training to be one before destiny forced him onto a different path. The year his training was to end, something happened. No one is sure what exactly, just that something came from deep space and they brought destruction with them. The world was thrown into turmoil; 5 billion of the world’s 6.5 billion people were eradicated in one day. Out of the ashes Prometheus organised what was left of humanity and brought it into the light. There was a war against what the ancients called the Invaders, and Prometheus fought long and hard to win back his world. Eventually after 4 years of intense fighting and assimilation of the Invader’s technology, Prometheus engineered a genetic virus which managed to wipe out the Invaders.
The year was 2014, the Earth was in ruins but the Invaders were dead and the remnants of humanity were rebuilding their civilisations. Prometheus managed to reverse-engineer most of the Invader’s technology to bring a Golden Age to humanity. There was no illness, no war, no strife, only peace. It was, Utopia but as everybody knows, Utopia never lasts. Prometheus became the most influential person on Earth as he was the only one who knew how to operate the Invader’s tech and so the people decided he should rule what was left of humanity. Prometheus, my father, was reluctant at first but ultimately decided to devote his life towards rebuilding humanity. Soon after he met my mother, and they fell in love. Together they formed a government capable of ruling without much input from Prometheus so they can devote their time to restoring the lost culture of the ancients and to themselves. 4 years later I was born and they named me Lucius, which means light.
In the year 2020 everything began to go wrong; my mother began to suffer from a strange illness which my father had never seen before. Eventually he would discover that the virus that infected my mother was a mutated form of the genetic virus he had designed to battle the Invaders. He would lose her a week after she contracted the virus. She died, horribly. He would spend the last remaining 2 years of his life working on an antiviral just in case the virus spread. Unfortunately it did and the people grew dissatisfied, they started blaming him for the deaths that the virus caused. The single most ironic thing is, with the exception of my mother, the virus had only killed 5 people in 2 years. The fear of the genetically engineered virus which mutated to attack humans drove the people into a mass panic. They stormed parliament, killing all members of the government my parents had set up before they shifted their attention towards our home. Prometheus, my father, once saviour of the people, tried to explain to his people what went wrong and what he was trying to do with the antiviral but the people would not hear it. They fear the manipulation of the Invaders tech and human genetics would bring further destruction upon them, it would be only later that I would find out that this fear was driven and manipulated by the so-called New Church of Humanity.
So the people stormed Prometheus’ lab, dragged him out of his home, brought him to the very street he proposed to my mother and shot him in the head. They crucified his body and burnt all his research. From what little I could remember, the servants tried their best to shield me but they were massacred and I was dragged to the bridge named after my mother and clubbed to death before I was thrown into the river. Of course no one knew I couldn’t die then, so I lived, regenerated. I was found floating down the river by a couple who raised me and taught me all they knew about their world. Being an Immortal I had an ability to retain the genetic memory of those that died around me, those memories surfaced after my 11th birthday and I was angry. I grew, I trained, I honed my body and I plotted for vengeance.
Saturday, 28 April 2007
My 1st full poem in 8 years
We are what we make ourselves to be,
fragments of truth covered by lies,
the sum of all our parts are we,
no more than a fragile being that dies.
To die is to find release,
courage to end; to be or not to be,
at last my soul can be at peace,
but that is not my fate to be.
No my fate is one of healing,
though in fate I shan't believe,
why ask if I'm given to feeling,
if you know I've no feeling to give.
To love is to truly KNOW an other,
to love is to give completely,
the truth it is that holds all together,
the truth is what destroys absolutely.
The truth; my heart is torn asunder,
the crescent moon is where my killer is hiding,
like Apollo the laurel has graced this hunter,
my mind, my mind the hunter is reading.
What truth my mind shall not give up,
my heart; my heat it hungers to tell,
to sing, to shout, to deny or to give up,
to decide, to brood: to tell or not to tell.
The laurel, a sign from gods on high,
the crescent, a place where all is nothing,
to live, to die, to exist, to sigh,
to embrace, to welcome, it's all or nothing.
Please do forgive the poem, it was very late when I crafted it.
Try your hand at deciphering it, it ain't difficult; pretty standard stuff.
fragments of truth covered by lies,
the sum of all our parts are we,
no more than a fragile being that dies.
To die is to find release,
courage to end; to be or not to be,
at last my soul can be at peace,
but that is not my fate to be.
No my fate is one of healing,
though in fate I shan't believe,
why ask if I'm given to feeling,
if you know I've no feeling to give.
To love is to truly KNOW an other,
to love is to give completely,
the truth it is that holds all together,
the truth is what destroys absolutely.
The truth; my heart is torn asunder,
the crescent moon is where my killer is hiding,
like Apollo the laurel has graced this hunter,
my mind, my mind the hunter is reading.
What truth my mind shall not give up,
my heart; my heat it hungers to tell,
to sing, to shout, to deny or to give up,
to decide, to brood: to tell or not to tell.
The laurel, a sign from gods on high,
the crescent, a place where all is nothing,
to live, to die, to exist, to sigh,
to embrace, to welcome, it's all or nothing.
Please do forgive the poem, it was very late when I crafted it.
Try your hand at deciphering it, it ain't difficult; pretty standard stuff.
Friday, 20 April 2007
The Wounded Healer
Am I built for this?
Am I capable of being a healer?
I'm much more adept at destroying and deconstructing, anybody can tell you that much about me. Breaking things down to their basic building blocks; that's what I'm more than capable of. As a child I've always found it exciting to take anything that I came across apart into teeny little pieces. Of course putting it back together is a tougher challenge which I didn't really pick up until recently.
Let's put this into context then: human beings. I do the same with people. I deconstruct them to their basic driving forces, vices, impulses and ulterior motives. Psychologically anyways.. but it's about the same however I look at a person: I break them down into their genetics, their physical construct and their sociopsychological construct as I said. I find it easier that way maybe so that I don't have to 'deal' with a full person. It has work for me so far and no one has particularly noticed anything peculiar about how I handle other people but at times I do come across as being a tad cold. Maybe it's the only way I can remain objective because if I were to allow myself to get involved, I'd get very involved and lose all sense of objectivity.
I wonder if my parents ever wonder about this aspect of their child. In many circumstances that has to deal with death, I am one of the most detached persons they can ever find... not including those that don't really care much about the deceased or dying of course. This is not recent too, I've always been like this.. ever since I can remember. No matter how close I was to the person, upon their death I could never 'react'.. of course on the inside I was sad but it doesn't show. I just detach myself rather quickly. The only time I got 'involved' I lost all control and wept like a newborn....... and it was the death of my favourite cat that drove me there. I do feel and I can relate to sadness but expressing it is something else altogether.
I worry about my humanity.. I worry about not being able to communicate my emotions to other human beings. I can say words I don't mean or mean very little with little difficulty but expressing my genuine feelings verbally is something I have rarely or never done. I've never told anyone how I genuinely felt about them; if I did it would have been toned down or sugarcoated unless it were in anger or in spite. Why is it so difficult for me to express my true emotions to another living human being? Why is it so hard for me to hold someone I'm affectionate with? God knows I want to. God also knows I'd start breaking that person down into their base parts and suspect their motives sooner or later and I'll detach myself then.
So I ask myself, can I be a healer despite my shortcomings?
Am I capable of being a healer?
I'm much more adept at destroying and deconstructing, anybody can tell you that much about me. Breaking things down to their basic building blocks; that's what I'm more than capable of. As a child I've always found it exciting to take anything that I came across apart into teeny little pieces. Of course putting it back together is a tougher challenge which I didn't really pick up until recently.
Let's put this into context then: human beings. I do the same with people. I deconstruct them to their basic driving forces, vices, impulses and ulterior motives. Psychologically anyways.. but it's about the same however I look at a person: I break them down into their genetics, their physical construct and their sociopsychological construct as I said. I find it easier that way maybe so that I don't have to 'deal' with a full person. It has work for me so far and no one has particularly noticed anything peculiar about how I handle other people but at times I do come across as being a tad cold. Maybe it's the only way I can remain objective because if I were to allow myself to get involved, I'd get very involved and lose all sense of objectivity.
I wonder if my parents ever wonder about this aspect of their child. In many circumstances that has to deal with death, I am one of the most detached persons they can ever find... not including those that don't really care much about the deceased or dying of course. This is not recent too, I've always been like this.. ever since I can remember. No matter how close I was to the person, upon their death I could never 'react'.. of course on the inside I was sad but it doesn't show. I just detach myself rather quickly. The only time I got 'involved' I lost all control and wept like a newborn....... and it was the death of my favourite cat that drove me there. I do feel and I can relate to sadness but expressing it is something else altogether.
I worry about my humanity.. I worry about not being able to communicate my emotions to other human beings. I can say words I don't mean or mean very little with little difficulty but expressing my genuine feelings verbally is something I have rarely or never done. I've never told anyone how I genuinely felt about them; if I did it would have been toned down or sugarcoated unless it were in anger or in spite. Why is it so difficult for me to express my true emotions to another living human being? Why is it so hard for me to hold someone I'm affectionate with? God knows I want to. God also knows I'd start breaking that person down into their base parts and suspect their motives sooner or later and I'll detach myself then.
So I ask myself, can I be a healer despite my shortcomings?
Can I be a healer when I need healing?
Can I ever stop being so paranoid and actually let people in?
Can I ever stop being so paranoid and actually let people in?
The promised "teehee" post
I've been in university for 5 years now... well ok, actually I've been in 2 universities in the span of 5 years and no, I did not flunk out of one and then join another. I spent 3 years getting a degree and have invested 5 years into another degree. Crazy I know but what can I say? It's what I want so no regrets.
God I so do not know how to do a "teehee" post.
I suppose I could say I have a whole lot more friends now than I ever did in my first 3 years though that number wasn't exactly difficult to beat.
I suppose I like keeping to myself... a lot. Getting me to step out of the door is a crusade in itself, unless we're meeting for drinks somewhere quiet and I get to drive around randomly afterwards. Other times, I'm a rather homely person...... not that I'd willingly entertain guests at my home unless I'm very close to them.
.
So yea, this is my "teehee" post.... I'll close it with a picture then.
God I so do not know how to do a "teehee" post.
I suppose I could say I have a whole lot more friends now than I ever did in my first 3 years though that number wasn't exactly difficult to beat.
I suppose I like keeping to myself... a lot. Getting me to step out of the door is a crusade in itself, unless we're meeting for drinks somewhere quiet and I get to drive around randomly afterwards. Other times, I'm a rather homely person...... not that I'd willingly entertain guests at my home unless I'm very close to them.
.
So yea, this is my "teehee" post.... I'll close it with a picture then.
Wonder ponder wonder
I wonder what the truth is. Am I as emotionally detached as I'd like to think? Am I truly able to control my emotions so well that it seems as if I don't have any or that I don't feel much? Sometimes I do think that the truth is the complete opposite: I tend to feel a lot more than I'd like to admit, more than I can block out. Relating to an especially sad situation and experiencing the sadness that radiates from it seems to be an interesting 'skill' of mine.
In 24 years I've had 2 emotional breakdowns. Major ones. Ones I don't particularly like to talk about but let's just say: they were bad. Not the sobbing "why me why me?" sort. More of the numbing, internalising until you can't feel existence, withdrawing into yourself, wanting to scream but you can't find any way of vocalising your screams, chaotic thought patterns, wanting to just cease to exist, massive blood loss sort. It's a whole lot of effort cleaning up the blood after let me tell you, phwoar. (I'm trying to be less dark here). I ended up in the foetal position once and semi-catatonic the other time.
So, am I unfeeling or do I actually feel way too much that it numbs me?
Water or Fire?
Perhaps I embody both elements.
In 24 years I've had 2 emotional breakdowns. Major ones. Ones I don't particularly like to talk about but let's just say: they were bad. Not the sobbing "why me why me?" sort. More of the numbing, internalising until you can't feel existence, withdrawing into yourself, wanting to scream but you can't find any way of vocalising your screams, chaotic thought patterns, wanting to just cease to exist, massive blood loss sort. It's a whole lot of effort cleaning up the blood after let me tell you, phwoar. (I'm trying to be less dark here). I ended up in the foetal position once and semi-catatonic the other time.
So, am I unfeeling or do I actually feel way too much that it numbs me?
Water or Fire?
Perhaps I embody both elements.
Monday, 16 April 2007
Reminiscence
A lifetime ago I visited the Emerald Isle and whilst visiting Claddagh in Galway I learnt of the story of the Claddagh ring; a ring symbolising love, friendship and loyalty.
Before I left the magical isle, I obtained two such rings. One for myself and another for my "Anam Cara" or at least, that was what I called her way back then. "Anam Cara", it means soul friend in the Celtic language. Boy was I an endlessly naive romantic back then. I still believed in love, in romance and all that. The Claddagh was a symbol; a symbol of my devotion, my friendship, my loyalty and perhaps even, my love that I presented to my "Anam Cara".
A few weeks later, my "Anam Cara" lost her ring. It wasn't such a big deal really, it was after all only a symbol. I still had mine.. until the very last day... and then some.
Suffice to say whatever I had with my soul friend didn't last. More than half a decade ago, things came to an end and with it the symbolism of the Claddagh. The ring in my possession had no symbolism left in it but I still kept it for about a year. Don't really know why I did that, sentimental value probably.
Ultimately I chose to dispose of it. Out of the window I flung it; as hard as I can, as far as I can. Maybe I threw away my feelings together with it. The dream was shattered, reality set in.
It was the day I grew up a little.
Before I left the magical isle, I obtained two such rings. One for myself and another for my "Anam Cara" or at least, that was what I called her way back then. "Anam Cara", it means soul friend in the Celtic language. Boy was I an endlessly naive romantic back then. I still believed in love, in romance and all that. The Claddagh was a symbol; a symbol of my devotion, my friendship, my loyalty and perhaps even, my love that I presented to my "Anam Cara".A few weeks later, my "Anam Cara" lost her ring. It wasn't such a big deal really, it was after all only a symbol. I still had mine.. until the very last day... and then some.
Suffice to say whatever I had with my soul friend didn't last. More than half a decade ago, things came to an end and with it the symbolism of the Claddagh. The ring in my possession had no symbolism left in it but I still kept it for about a year. Don't really know why I did that, sentimental value probably.
Ultimately I chose to dispose of it. Out of the window I flung it; as hard as I can, as far as I can. Maybe I threw away my feelings together with it. The dream was shattered, reality set in.
It was the day I grew up a little.
Tuesday, 10 April 2007
Let's see if this works
Obviously I'm doing this for my profile photo, let's see if blogger allows looping.
On a separate note, I may need a dinner jacket....... ok a dinner suit. dilemma is, how much shall I spend on it? I could get a bespoke suit for about £290 but I think that may be overkill though it is tailored to fit. On the other hand I could get a cheaper one online for about £99. being me, I know one thing I won't do; hire. decisions decisions....
Opinions and suggestions please!
Friday, 6 April 2007
I hate nights
Here's a paradoxical fact about moi: I hate and love nighttime.
I love it because I'm generally a night person and it is usually when I feel most alive and actually get around to doing stuff. I won't tell you what stuff because you really don't want to know what I do at night........... actually I will tell you since it does lead in into why I hate nights. Anyways, more about that later; in essence I enjoy being by myself, doing my own things without interruptions from the rest of the world (yes I mean you). It's the time of day almost completely devoted to myself (not that I would actually devote my time of day to anyone else but there are moments, I ain't Narcissus... yet), even if I spent my nights with people, it's spent with people I want to spend it with. It's all about control you see but even that is an illusion since in reality you can't really control anything. You can however make choices, granted it may be a choice between the lesser of two evils but you could always choose the more evil. So yes, paradoxically I chose to be alone and yet I at the same time, dread to be alone. Though this reluctance to be alone is nowhere near strong enough to force me to seek the company of those whom I cannot tolerate. Like I said, lesser of two evils though some of you might see my decision as the greater of the evils but let's not talk about you because you don't really matter, only 'I' matter. It's how the world works isn't it? Don't deny it, don't be a holier than thou hypocrite and please for the sake of the universe, don't embarrass yourself. To those that say "I hate pretentiousness" I say: "I hate false modesty". To hell with the anti-intellectual crap, embrace your inner narcissism and actually strive to be more than what you are or what people see you as.
Now, to why I hate nights. Most of you who haven't been too insulted up to this point and have decided to read on will know that I have amongst other things, an over active brain. I can never stop thinking. Not really because I neurologically can't, it's really just because I'm afraid to stop. I can't deal with the void, not yet. I find no peace in emptiness and nothingness. I'm the sort that finds peace in knowledge, information and noise... well not really noise but you know what I mean, if you don't why are you reading this? I place great value in knowledge, too great if you ask others. They might be right, they may be wrong but it's what I chose so I'll stick with it. My concept of heaven, of eternal rest, of the afterlife is the assimilation of the 'being' or the soul self if you will, into a communal consciousness of those that have gone before. A pool of psyches and hence, knowledge itself whilst still retaining that individuality to experience it and appreciate it. That is the concept I would like to believe in, a personal heaven not so much unlike our reality now, maybe even a purgatory to allow those not used to the idea of the 'real' afterlife to get used to the fact and learn to move on. Honestly the hard selling that goes on in church ain't helping one bit. In my school days, we were painted a picture of heaven and this is how it looks like: you're basically sexless, everyone's either your brother or sister (contradictory to what was said about sexless I know, imagine how I felt), you have harps on which you will praise god 24/7 not that time actually moves or anything and you're all in robes and have no sense of individualities. Oh, and you're living on clouds. Now if someone were to tell me that heaven was a never ending green field with clear blue skies and emerald seas stretching pass the horizon into eternity and you're on a new sort of journey to rediscover 'life' I would have been a devout whatever.
Right now I believe in nothing and that scares me whenever I think about death. It's hard to avoid it since I'm in this field of work, it scares me to no end, having no firm belief of an afterlife. Death doesn't bring peace to me, it brings emptiness and nothingness. I need to believe in something other than hermaphrodites up in the clouds prancing around or nothingness because if that's the best anyone can offer, I'll always fear and despise death. Despite what I or anyone else have to say, I am still rather inherently Catholic and as far as I know the Catholic concept of heaven is more of a spiritual homecoming to a non-physical 'abode' for souls within YHWH since all souls are a fragment of YHWH in the first place (score 1 against free will) so where the fuck in creation did my teachers who are responsible for my spiritual education come up with the hermaphrodite theory??
You can tell I'm rather traumatised. Knowing better now doesn't really justify the lack of trust I put in my own religion seeing as those responsible for educating us in our own religion are piss poor at it. For creation's sake, save the children! Don't dumb it down, don't make up stories. Don't take kids for idiots, you'll just ruin their lives.
Heaven, I think, at the end of the day is a concept that we can and we should strive towards here in our present reality, in this world. If we put too much effort and hope into the afterlife, great atrocities will and have already been committed in order to 'reach heaven' by atrocious acts and the absence of action.
All for the promise of a better life.
Paradise on Earth or Sugarcandy Mountain?
It's time to choose.
I love it because I'm generally a night person and it is usually when I feel most alive and actually get around to doing stuff. I won't tell you what stuff because you really don't want to know what I do at night........... actually I will tell you since it does lead in into why I hate nights. Anyways, more about that later; in essence I enjoy being by myself, doing my own things without interruptions from the rest of the world (yes I mean you). It's the time of day almost completely devoted to myself (not that I would actually devote my time of day to anyone else but there are moments, I ain't Narcissus... yet), even if I spent my nights with people, it's spent with people I want to spend it with. It's all about control you see but even that is an illusion since in reality you can't really control anything. You can however make choices, granted it may be a choice between the lesser of two evils but you could always choose the more evil. So yes, paradoxically I chose to be alone and yet I at the same time, dread to be alone. Though this reluctance to be alone is nowhere near strong enough to force me to seek the company of those whom I cannot tolerate. Like I said, lesser of two evils though some of you might see my decision as the greater of the evils but let's not talk about you because you don't really matter, only 'I' matter. It's how the world works isn't it? Don't deny it, don't be a holier than thou hypocrite and please for the sake of the universe, don't embarrass yourself. To those that say "I hate pretentiousness" I say: "I hate false modesty". To hell with the anti-intellectual crap, embrace your inner narcissism and actually strive to be more than what you are or what people see you as.
Now, to why I hate nights. Most of you who haven't been too insulted up to this point and have decided to read on will know that I have amongst other things, an over active brain. I can never stop thinking. Not really because I neurologically can't, it's really just because I'm afraid to stop. I can't deal with the void, not yet. I find no peace in emptiness and nothingness. I'm the sort that finds peace in knowledge, information and noise... well not really noise but you know what I mean, if you don't why are you reading this? I place great value in knowledge, too great if you ask others. They might be right, they may be wrong but it's what I chose so I'll stick with it. My concept of heaven, of eternal rest, of the afterlife is the assimilation of the 'being' or the soul self if you will, into a communal consciousness of those that have gone before. A pool of psyches and hence, knowledge itself whilst still retaining that individuality to experience it and appreciate it. That is the concept I would like to believe in, a personal heaven not so much unlike our reality now, maybe even a purgatory to allow those not used to the idea of the 'real' afterlife to get used to the fact and learn to move on. Honestly the hard selling that goes on in church ain't helping one bit. In my school days, we were painted a picture of heaven and this is how it looks like: you're basically sexless, everyone's either your brother or sister (contradictory to what was said about sexless I know, imagine how I felt), you have harps on which you will praise god 24/7 not that time actually moves or anything and you're all in robes and have no sense of individualities. Oh, and you're living on clouds. Now if someone were to tell me that heaven was a never ending green field with clear blue skies and emerald seas stretching pass the horizon into eternity and you're on a new sort of journey to rediscover 'life' I would have been a devout whatever.
Right now I believe in nothing and that scares me whenever I think about death. It's hard to avoid it since I'm in this field of work, it scares me to no end, having no firm belief of an afterlife. Death doesn't bring peace to me, it brings emptiness and nothingness. I need to believe in something other than hermaphrodites up in the clouds prancing around or nothingness because if that's the best anyone can offer, I'll always fear and despise death. Despite what I or anyone else have to say, I am still rather inherently Catholic and as far as I know the Catholic concept of heaven is more of a spiritual homecoming to a non-physical 'abode' for souls within YHWH since all souls are a fragment of YHWH in the first place (score 1 against free will) so where the fuck in creation did my teachers who are responsible for my spiritual education come up with the hermaphrodite theory??
You can tell I'm rather traumatised. Knowing better now doesn't really justify the lack of trust I put in my own religion seeing as those responsible for educating us in our own religion are piss poor at it. For creation's sake, save the children! Don't dumb it down, don't make up stories. Don't take kids for idiots, you'll just ruin their lives.
Heaven, I think, at the end of the day is a concept that we can and we should strive towards here in our present reality, in this world. If we put too much effort and hope into the afterlife, great atrocities will and have already been committed in order to 'reach heaven' by atrocious acts and the absence of action.
All for the promise of a better life.
Paradise on Earth or Sugarcandy Mountain?
It's time to choose.
Tuesday, 20 March 2007
Epiphany
I am SO gonna kill my patients....
I really should have gone into archaelogy or philosophy or actually just stick to being a research scientist or a psychologist.
There comes a point when you realise you just aren't really that capable of being THAT hardworking. Does my lack of motivation to do well bode well for my future patients? I think not.
It's not that I don't love the course, I do... As you all know I'm bloody lazy to work hard for ANYTHING... including relationships. Call it laziness, complacency or hubris but whatever it is, it ain't doing me any good.
The most sickening part is that I know that I have the potential to be so much better than this and that if I really tried, I could do really well but I don't. Why? God knows.
I need to get interested, really interested I think. I have no difficulties remembering the diagnostic criteria, history and possible aetiology for schizophrenia, unipolar depressive mood disorder, bipolar affective disorder, certain anxiety disorders and a handful of personality disorders but I can't seem to retain any info about which nerves go where and which muscles do what in a human body or the detailed process of the Krebs cycle.
Interest and motivation are my greatest assets and my greatest weaknesses. I'm too set in my ways, in my outlook. A love for psychiatry has blinded me to the need of passing everything else along the way to being trained in it. One thing at a time, take it a step at a time.
Anyways, must really go to bed now, final paper for the term in the afternoon. Will write more after.
Ciao.
I really should have gone into archaelogy or philosophy or actually just stick to being a research scientist or a psychologist.
There comes a point when you realise you just aren't really that capable of being THAT hardworking. Does my lack of motivation to do well bode well for my future patients? I think not.
It's not that I don't love the course, I do... As you all know I'm bloody lazy to work hard for ANYTHING... including relationships. Call it laziness, complacency or hubris but whatever it is, it ain't doing me any good.
The most sickening part is that I know that I have the potential to be so much better than this and that if I really tried, I could do really well but I don't. Why? God knows.
I need to get interested, really interested I think. I have no difficulties remembering the diagnostic criteria, history and possible aetiology for schizophrenia, unipolar depressive mood disorder, bipolar affective disorder, certain anxiety disorders and a handful of personality disorders but I can't seem to retain any info about which nerves go where and which muscles do what in a human body or the detailed process of the Krebs cycle.
Interest and motivation are my greatest assets and my greatest weaknesses. I'm too set in my ways, in my outlook. A love for psychiatry has blinded me to the need of passing everything else along the way to being trained in it. One thing at a time, take it a step at a time.
Anyways, must really go to bed now, final paper for the term in the afternoon. Will write more after.
Ciao.
Thursday, 8 March 2007
Apparently I was tagged
Ok, let's see: I need to disclose 6 weird things about myself and tag 6 other people to do the same.
Let's begin:
1) I like swords.
Everyone knows this one.
2) I have an overactive brain that always needs to over-analyse everything in context and outside of context.
It actually makes me pretty miserabe.
3) I have a 'thing' for long, flowing pieces of clothing.
Again, I think this is something which people can pretty much see.
4) I suffer from sleep paralysis and hypnagogic sensations.
I see demons and feel them sitting on my chest................................................. there are completely logical and scientific explanations for this.
5) I get very, very turned on by intellectuality with regards to the person I have an interest in at the moment of course.
mmhmmmm
6) Apparently I can simulate a schizophrenic episode rather well.
I'll figure out who to tag later.
Let's begin:
1) I like swords.
Everyone knows this one.
2) I have an overactive brain that always needs to over-analyse everything in context and outside of context.
It actually makes me pretty miserabe.
3) I have a 'thing' for long, flowing pieces of clothing.
Again, I think this is something which people can pretty much see.
4) I suffer from sleep paralysis and hypnagogic sensations.
I see demons and feel them sitting on my chest................................................. there are completely logical and scientific explanations for this.
5) I get very, very turned on by intellectuality with regards to the person I have an interest in at the moment of course.
mmhmmmm
6) Apparently I can simulate a schizophrenic episode rather well.
I'll figure out who to tag later.
Monday, 26 February 2007
Sunday, 25 February 2007
A Moment of Weakness
Nobody really, actually cares.
The only time I'm seeked out is when something is needed or wanted of me. Other times I'm a burden or a responsibility.
It isn't that surprising since I am the pioneer of the "everyone has an ulterior motive" movement.
I am a pushover because I want others to acknowledge me as the peacemaker.
Of course I bitch about it later because humans, even parents aren't telepaths or good psychologists when it comes to their children. I don't need you to placate me after by changing your minds, I want you to want to have my interests in mind SOME time.
I want to be human.
I don't want to be the stoic for life. I AM actually spoilt, needy, loving attention, loving love, needing some sort of verification or acknowledgement, I AM selfish and I AM very easy to hurt.
I do want it to be about me SOME time.
I DO want to fit in at times. I want what I want to matter at times. I want my offer, my sacrifice to be denied SOME times. I want you to say "no, you decided to come with us today so let's do something you want for a small part of today."
I want people to see through my stoicism. I do want people to notice that I want their attention although I won't actively go whoring for it.
I want people to know that I DO love. That when I love, I love with my soul and it does hurt when it's taken for granted.
..............
Back to business. I'm back. Nothing can hurt me, nothing can faze me. I don't care, I'm fine. I'm great. I survive.
I am, me.
The only time I'm seeked out is when something is needed or wanted of me. Other times I'm a burden or a responsibility.
It isn't that surprising since I am the pioneer of the "everyone has an ulterior motive" movement.
I am a pushover because I want others to acknowledge me as the peacemaker.
Of course I bitch about it later because humans, even parents aren't telepaths or good psychologists when it comes to their children. I don't need you to placate me after by changing your minds, I want you to want to have my interests in mind SOME time.
I want to be human.
I don't want to be the stoic for life. I AM actually spoilt, needy, loving attention, loving love, needing some sort of verification or acknowledgement, I AM selfish and I AM very easy to hurt.
I do want it to be about me SOME time.
I DO want to fit in at times. I want what I want to matter at times. I want my offer, my sacrifice to be denied SOME times. I want you to say "no, you decided to come with us today so let's do something you want for a small part of today."
I want people to see through my stoicism. I do want people to notice that I want their attention although I won't actively go whoring for it.
I want people to know that I DO love. That when I love, I love with my soul and it does hurt when it's taken for granted.
..............
Back to business. I'm back. Nothing can hurt me, nothing can faze me. I don't care, I'm fine. I'm great. I survive.
I am, me.
Monday, 19 February 2007
Boredom Kills!
Like I said, boredome kills. Anyways I think I've finally settled on their names.... Yes, I named them....From left to right, top to bottom:
The triplets are Ego, Super-ego and Id.
The katana is Kazenagi-no-tsurugi (roughly translated as Sword of Calm Winds).
Next knife is Shadow-biter because she's black and she's been known to nick my fingers ever so often.
The next sword with the quillons is Rasenna after the name the Estrucan civilisation gave themselves due to the Italian heritage of this particular short sword.
Ormstunga is the next one. It's Icelandic for serpent-tongue because of her dual blade.
The silver dagger is Luna, the Moon as the alchemical symbol for silver is a crescent moon.
The Celtic sword is Headsmasher.... plainly because she does just what it says on the box: she smashes heads.
Finally Samael, Venom of God. Why? The cross-guard and pommel have begun to patinate to give it an olden, kinda rusted/poison-laced look.
Yes, I AM that bored.
Wishing Everyone a Pigified Year!
Happy Chinese New Year to everyone and let's see what the pig has instore for me this year. Let's hope it's nice since I'm one of its kin :P
Lantern shaped UFOs in Oxford Circus!!!!
Wednesday, 14 February 2007
Truth
| Your Love Number is 5 |
 You're very open minded, and you could see yourself in any number of interesting relationships. And being extremely independent, anyone you're with has to give you space. You approach new lovers like they are a subject, learning everything about them. But once you've "mastered" a new person, you often feel like exploring some one else! |
This is so so true of me.
| You Are 91% Misanthropic |
 You are misanthropic to the point of being scary. In your view, people are a disease. You may want to lighten up a little - before you become a super villian! |
Sunday, 11 February 2007
Of Valentine's & Magic
My plan for St Valentine's Day for lovers and commercialism:
Morning - Sleep in.
'Noon - Conduct my SSM research on suicide, depression and Catholicism..... or go into uni for clinical skills and Nigel Lawes' neuroscience thing.
Night - Go all out, release pent-up aggression, frustration etc during martial arts training.
I so want to work elemental magic..... that way I can burn any lovey-dovey couples that I come across.....
Bitter? Me??? Noooooo, why'd you think that?
Morning - Sleep in.
'Noon - Conduct my SSM research on suicide, depression and Catholicism..... or go into uni for clinical skills and Nigel Lawes' neuroscience thing.
Night - Go all out, release pent-up aggression, frustration etc during martial arts training.
I so want to work elemental magic..... that way I can burn any lovey-dovey couples that I come across.....
Bitter? Me??? Noooooo, why'd you think that?
Wednesday, 7 February 2007
Fate vs Free Will
Before I begin, no I am not going to go on for pages about free will or fate, it just makes a pretty title and I'm too lazy to change it now since I'm already talking about it on my first paragraph. Live with it.
So, what brought the title on?
Nothing really. Well ok, it is something. My new SSM (special study module - projectwork) starts today. You'd think that because by training and profession I am a hardcore scientist (maybe not as hardcore as physicists) I'd actually pick to do something more in that line but instead I chose all the incredibly subjective topics that border on philosophy instead. My last project was on psychiatry and film, now I know some of you out there don't believe that psychology is a science but it is so live with it, accept it, stop bitching and get on with your lives.
So anyways, yea, my new project: The effects of religion on suicidality.
Actually, a more accurate title would be: Catholic Theology on sin, suicide and mental illness.
I always seem to pick and get allocated projects that would allow me to write a book or two on the subject. Mental note: pick an 'easier' topic for the next few SSMs. Reality: I'd probably stick to picking out these sorts of topics to do. Why? Probably because it's a mental exercise. I love to read, I love to think (hence the Thinker) and I love to write.
I had actually for a time in my life, thought about going into a more academic field (not that medicine isn't an academic field within itself) like philosophy and even theology but because I do have certain realistic goals in life (like say make enough money to buy an Aston Martin) I chose to do something more "hands-on" where you actually get paid to do something about some other thing with certain tools and your hands. Though maybe I still can since most philosophers started out as hardcore scientists and physicians. Or maybe not considering how the world today tends to view those that have too many interests as fickle, unreliable and blatantly "weird and have no lives".
Anti-intellectualism never truly went away..... actually it never went anywhere, it's still as fervour as it were, perhaps it has even escalated.
Are people so afraid of what is different that they would even turn on those that are supposedly not like them? Not average, not 'normal'? I get that sometimes, some of us can lose a bit of our connection with people but it has nothing to do with stupidity/averageness vs intelligence. It has a lot to do with alienation and social isolation. We don't feel comfortable. Why? Simply because we're not made to feel comfortable. Subtly we are isolated and made to feel different, to feel as if we should be ashamed of ourselves because we're not like everyone else who love sports, who drink beer and whatever else "normal" folk are suppose to like doing.
So I love reading, so I love writing and I love thinking and challenging myself with new ideas everyday, what's so wrong about that?
So I watch movies for the subtext instead of the boobs and the pecs, what's wrong with that?
So I went to England to educate myself, so I read another degree - what's wrong with that?
I love university, I love being with peers, with people who can challenge me with change and ideas I haven't thought of.
I love it when people introduce me to concepts that confuse and intrigue me. I remember loving philosophy class like I loved nothing else (except for cats). I remember when my professor asked me this: "Perception is how we understand the world yes? Through our senses, we see, we touch, we hear, we smell and we taste - in essence we perceive from our senses but what is it in actuality are we perceiving? Are we perceiving the object in its full, real 'identity' or are we just making sense of the information that is fed into us from our ability to sense through our 5 modalities? Perception is how we make sense of the world, it isn't the world in its true entirety."
That statement opened up my mind to endless possibilities. Would we, as limited beings, one day achieve a state where we are able to perceive this universe for what it truly is instead of just making sense of it all and just seeing the tip of the iceberg? I would hope so.
I miss engaging in philosophical debates. I miss reading philosophy. I miss it a lot but I don't regret being where I am today (at least not yet). Eventually to be able to survive in the reality of this world, one would have to make realistic choices that would allow one to make ends meet. My ideals are never far from me, I never discarded them - I allow them free reign when I'm on holiday.
Sometimes I wish the world and everything and everyone in it would keep changing, would keep advancing at such a rate that would make heads spin but I know that's asking a little too much and it'd be unrealistic. I believe that change is good, it is an ever-present force that drives humanity and the universe forwards.
Revolution and evolution.
I see signs of mini-revolutions happening here and there. Paradigm shifts in core belief structures, reorganising the status quo slowly but surely. The world is changing whether some of us wants it to or not and I for one can't wait to see what's going to happen next. There is hope for us yet.
----------------------------------------
Wow, ok I ranted for quite a bit and wow.......... I ended on an optimistic note. Heh ;)
So, what brought the title on?
Nothing really. Well ok, it is something. My new SSM (special study module - projectwork) starts today. You'd think that because by training and profession I am a hardcore scientist (maybe not as hardcore as physicists) I'd actually pick to do something more in that line but instead I chose all the incredibly subjective topics that border on philosophy instead. My last project was on psychiatry and film, now I know some of you out there don't believe that psychology is a science but it is so live with it, accept it, stop bitching and get on with your lives.
So anyways, yea, my new project: The effects of religion on suicidality.
Actually, a more accurate title would be: Catholic Theology on sin, suicide and mental illness.
I always seem to pick and get allocated projects that would allow me to write a book or two on the subject. Mental note: pick an 'easier' topic for the next few SSMs. Reality: I'd probably stick to picking out these sorts of topics to do. Why? Probably because it's a mental exercise. I love to read, I love to think (hence the Thinker) and I love to write.
I had actually for a time in my life, thought about going into a more academic field (not that medicine isn't an academic field within itself) like philosophy and even theology but because I do have certain realistic goals in life (like say make enough money to buy an Aston Martin) I chose to do something more "hands-on" where you actually get paid to do something about some other thing with certain tools and your hands. Though maybe I still can since most philosophers started out as hardcore scientists and physicians. Or maybe not considering how the world today tends to view those that have too many interests as fickle, unreliable and blatantly "weird and have no lives".
Anti-intellectualism never truly went away..... actually it never went anywhere, it's still as fervour as it were, perhaps it has even escalated.
Are people so afraid of what is different that they would even turn on those that are supposedly not like them? Not average, not 'normal'? I get that sometimes, some of us can lose a bit of our connection with people but it has nothing to do with stupidity/averageness vs intelligence. It has a lot to do with alienation and social isolation. We don't feel comfortable. Why? Simply because we're not made to feel comfortable. Subtly we are isolated and made to feel different, to feel as if we should be ashamed of ourselves because we're not like everyone else who love sports, who drink beer and whatever else "normal" folk are suppose to like doing.
So I love reading, so I love writing and I love thinking and challenging myself with new ideas everyday, what's so wrong about that?
So I watch movies for the subtext instead of the boobs and the pecs, what's wrong with that?
So I went to England to educate myself, so I read another degree - what's wrong with that?
I love university, I love being with peers, with people who can challenge me with change and ideas I haven't thought of.
I love it when people introduce me to concepts that confuse and intrigue me. I remember loving philosophy class like I loved nothing else (except for cats). I remember when my professor asked me this: "Perception is how we understand the world yes? Through our senses, we see, we touch, we hear, we smell and we taste - in essence we perceive from our senses but what is it in actuality are we perceiving? Are we perceiving the object in its full, real 'identity' or are we just making sense of the information that is fed into us from our ability to sense through our 5 modalities? Perception is how we make sense of the world, it isn't the world in its true entirety."
That statement opened up my mind to endless possibilities. Would we, as limited beings, one day achieve a state where we are able to perceive this universe for what it truly is instead of just making sense of it all and just seeing the tip of the iceberg? I would hope so.
I miss engaging in philosophical debates. I miss reading philosophy. I miss it a lot but I don't regret being where I am today (at least not yet). Eventually to be able to survive in the reality of this world, one would have to make realistic choices that would allow one to make ends meet. My ideals are never far from me, I never discarded them - I allow them free reign when I'm on holiday.
Sometimes I wish the world and everything and everyone in it would keep changing, would keep advancing at such a rate that would make heads spin but I know that's asking a little too much and it'd be unrealistic. I believe that change is good, it is an ever-present force that drives humanity and the universe forwards.
Revolution and evolution.
I see signs of mini-revolutions happening here and there. Paradigm shifts in core belief structures, reorganising the status quo slowly but surely. The world is changing whether some of us wants it to or not and I for one can't wait to see what's going to happen next. There is hope for us yet.
----------------------------------------
Wow, ok I ranted for quite a bit and wow.......... I ended on an optimistic note. Heh ;)
Monday, 29 January 2007
Self Doubt
Why do I always doubt myself I wonder...
Whenever something good happens to me I can't just live in the moment, I have to analyse it, scrutinise it, look at the nuances which everybody else disregards because it's ridiculous to even consider their significance. No, I have to take every little thing into consideration. I need to cover every aspect, every action, every intention before I can feel secure about something. More often then not I'd lose those nice feelings, having replaced them with doubt, paranoia and despair.
Why must I be affected so? Why must I react so?
Why must I always play out situations and simulations in my head before I do anything? It's always the case that I foresee or predict what is going to happen next from my observations and analyses that I don't bother to go through and find out which path reality would take because none of the paths in my calculations seem all that different from the other. The one time I did go through with it, life took the exact path I calculated it would, leaving me with nothing... well, actually it left me with less than nothing. To be fair it wasn't life but the circumstances and the choices that one person had to make. To be fair to that person, it was the only choice that was available as evident by the person's personality.
I tried suppressing this particular side of me. Tried living on the edge, doing things by impulse and living according to my 'heart'. That didn't work out particularly well either. By letting my emotions, my desires and my expectations of a person overwhelm who that person really is, I ended up hurting that person very badly. Hope can be a dangerous thing. Projecting your own hopes onto another human being can have devastating effects, especially if that person does not share your views. Nobody is ever truly "ONE"; we are all individuals and always our own person. We may live together but we all die alone (nuclear destruction, plane crash etc not withstanding though it can be argued that death is a solely personal experience). Never assume that you know every aspect of anyone or anything and never take anything or anyone for granted. That path ultimately leads to disappointment and despair.
So, what can I do? What must I do? What is the solution? If I knew, I wouldn't be bitching about this on my blog now would I?
Live each day as if it were your last? Who's to argue that a lifestyle like this one would not lead to a premature end to life?
Maybe SSRIs?
Instead of brooding and ruminating I should put certain plans and operations into effect to improve my 'quality of life' as it were and to actually attempt to attain the things and person I want in my life at the present moment.
Oh, to those that would advise me to not think so much this message is for you:
Fuck. You.
Thanks for all your advice, it's about as usual as a rotten tree branch in a fight against a machine gun totting sharpshooter.
Whenever something good happens to me I can't just live in the moment, I have to analyse it, scrutinise it, look at the nuances which everybody else disregards because it's ridiculous to even consider their significance. No, I have to take every little thing into consideration. I need to cover every aspect, every action, every intention before I can feel secure about something. More often then not I'd lose those nice feelings, having replaced them with doubt, paranoia and despair.
Why must I be affected so? Why must I react so?
Why must I always play out situations and simulations in my head before I do anything? It's always the case that I foresee or predict what is going to happen next from my observations and analyses that I don't bother to go through and find out which path reality would take because none of the paths in my calculations seem all that different from the other. The one time I did go through with it, life took the exact path I calculated it would, leaving me with nothing... well, actually it left me with less than nothing. To be fair it wasn't life but the circumstances and the choices that one person had to make. To be fair to that person, it was the only choice that was available as evident by the person's personality.
I tried suppressing this particular side of me. Tried living on the edge, doing things by impulse and living according to my 'heart'. That didn't work out particularly well either. By letting my emotions, my desires and my expectations of a person overwhelm who that person really is, I ended up hurting that person very badly. Hope can be a dangerous thing. Projecting your own hopes onto another human being can have devastating effects, especially if that person does not share your views. Nobody is ever truly "ONE"; we are all individuals and always our own person. We may live together but we all die alone (nuclear destruction, plane crash etc not withstanding though it can be argued that death is a solely personal experience). Never assume that you know every aspect of anyone or anything and never take anything or anyone for granted. That path ultimately leads to disappointment and despair.
So, what can I do? What must I do? What is the solution? If I knew, I wouldn't be bitching about this on my blog now would I?
Live each day as if it were your last? Who's to argue that a lifestyle like this one would not lead to a premature end to life?
Maybe SSRIs?
Instead of brooding and ruminating I should put certain plans and operations into effect to improve my 'quality of life' as it were and to actually attempt to attain the things and person I want in my life at the present moment.
Oh, to those that would advise me to not think so much this message is for you:
Fuck. You.
Thanks for all your advice, it's about as usual as a rotten tree branch in a fight against a machine gun totting sharpshooter.
Saturday, 27 January 2007
Bored? Yeap!
This be how my garden looked on Wednesday.Random thought of the day: I wish I were a Jedi.
Monday, 8 January 2007
Dial M for Murder.... wait, MARRIAGE! I meant Marriage!
My cousin, 4th from left...... (ok fine everyone in the photo are cousins but this is the only one I have for the time being so sue me) is now married.Marriage, the dreaded M word. Dreaded for me at least. I don't know why I fear it so; it could be the responsibilities, the implied loss of individuality with the whole "before you were 2, now you are 1" crap... I mean concept, or the fact that I have a very short attention span and get bored rather quickly.
Anyways, my own reservations about weddings and marriages aside, it was a gruesome 2 days of endless celebration. The photo above is from the bride's family pre-wedding shindig. Food, rude jokes, more food, more rude jokes etc.
At the wedding mass, I met up with some old friends I haven't seen in up to 7 years so we had an impromptu reunion of sorts with lots of catching up done. We were talking about a reunion sometime in 2010 so Shah, I'm leaving that in your hands.
There was another dinner on the wedding day itself which was arranged by the groom's side. Unfortunately I don't have photos from that event yet but it was filled with booze, booze and well, more booze. Homemade booze to be exact.
Ok, I think that's about as much as I can write about weddings and such. Till my next post, enjoy the pictures.
Ok, I think that's about as much as I can write about weddings and such. Till my next post, enjoy the pictures.
Tuesday, 2 January 2007
An Ideal Relationship
1) Great Sex
2) Great Conversation
3) Blunt Honesty
Optional) Must like cats/animals
the only 3 requirements of an ideal relationship that 3 friends came up with in the middle of the night. perhaps it's too idealistic of us to search for an ideal relationship where only these 3 things come into play but it appeals to us.
best friends with enough sexual attraction to want to sleep together and actually like it but not enough to get mushy about things.
here's hoping that we would eventually all find our ideals one day, knowing full well that we would most probably fall short of it and compromise quite a bit but it is still worth having an ideal.
to us 3, cheers and good luck because with our tastes in partners, we're gonna need it.
2) Great Conversation
3) Blunt Honesty
Optional) Must like cats/animals
the only 3 requirements of an ideal relationship that 3 friends came up with in the middle of the night. perhaps it's too idealistic of us to search for an ideal relationship where only these 3 things come into play but it appeals to us.
best friends with enough sexual attraction to want to sleep together and actually like it but not enough to get mushy about things.
here's hoping that we would eventually all find our ideals one day, knowing full well that we would most probably fall short of it and compromise quite a bit but it is still worth having an ideal.
to us 3, cheers and good luck because with our tastes in partners, we're gonna need it.
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