i need help

A Moment of Weakness

Nobody really, actually cares.

The only time I'm seeked out is when something is needed or wanted of me. Other times I'm a burden or a responsibility.

It isn't that surprising since I am the pioneer of the "everyone has an ulterior motive" movement.

I am a pushover because I want others to acknowledge me as the peacemaker.

Of course I bitch about it later because humans, even parents aren't telepaths or good psychologists when it comes to their children. I don't need you to placate me after by changing your minds, I want you to want to have my interests in mind SOME time.

I want to be human.

I don't want to be the stoic for life. I AM actually spoilt, needy, loving attention, loving love, needing some sort of verification or acknowledgement, I AM selfish and I AM very easy to hurt.

I do want it to be about me SOME time.

I DO want to fit in at times. I want what I want to matter at times. I want my offer, my sacrifice to be denied SOME times. I want you to say "no, you decided to come with us today so let's do something you want for a small part of today."

I want people to see through my stoicism. I do want people to notice that I want their attention although I won't actively go whoring for it.

I want people to know that I DO love. That when I love, I love with my soul and it does hurt when it's taken for granted.

..............

Back to business. I'm back. Nothing can hurt me, nothing can faze me. I don't care, I'm fine. I'm great. I survive.

I am, me.

Boredom Kills!

Like I said, boredome kills. Anyways I think I've finally settled on their names.... Yes, I named them....

From left to right, top to bottom:

The triplets are Ego, Super-ego and Id.

The katana is Kazenagi-no-tsurugi (roughly translated as Sword of Calm Winds).

Next knife is Shadow-biter because she's black and she's been known to nick my fingers ever so often.

The next sword with the quillons is Rasenna after the name the Estrucan civilisation gave themselves due to the Italian heritage of this particular short sword.

Ormstunga is the next one. It's Icelandic for serpent-tongue because of her dual blade.

The silver dagger is Luna, the Moon as the alchemical symbol for silver is a crescent moon.

The Celtic sword is Headsmasher.... plainly because she does just what it says on the box: she smashes heads.

Finally Samael, Venom of God. Why? The cross-guard and pommel have begun to patinate to give it an olden, kinda rusted/poison-laced look.

Yes, I AM that bored.

Wishing Everyone a Pigified Year!

Happy Chinese New Year to everyone and let's see what the pig has instore for me this year. Let's hope it's nice since I'm one of its kin :P

Lantern shaped UFOs in Oxford Circus!!!!

Truth

Your Love Number is 5

You're very open minded, and you could see yourself in any number of interesting relationships. And being extremely independent, anyone you're with has to give you space. You approach new lovers like they are a subject, learning everything about them. But once you've "mastered" a new person, you often feel like exploring some one else!

What Is Your Love Number?

This is so so true of me.

You Are 91% Misanthropic

You are misanthropic to the point of being scary. In your view, people are a disease. You may want to lighten up a little - before you become a super villian!

How Misanthropic Are You?

Of Valentine's & Magic

My plan for St Valentine's Day for lovers and commercialism:

Morning - Sleep in.

'Noon - Conduct my SSM research on suicide, depression and Catholicism..... or go into uni for clinical skills and Nigel Lawes' neuroscience thing.

Night - Go all out, release pent-up aggression, frustration etc during martial arts training.

I so want to work elemental magic..... that way I can burn any lovey-dovey couples that I come across.....

Bitter? Me??? Noooooo, why'd you think that?

Fate vs Free Will

Before I begin, no I am not going to go on for pages about free will or fate, it just makes a pretty title and I'm too lazy to change it now since I'm already talking about it on my first paragraph. Live with it.

So, what brought the title on?

Nothing really. Well ok, it is something. My new SSM (special study module - projectwork) starts today. You'd think that because by training and profession I am a hardcore scientist (maybe not as hardcore as physicists) I'd actually pick to do something more in that line but instead I chose all the incredibly subjective topics that border on philosophy instead. My last project was on psychiatry and film, now I know some of you out there don't believe that psychology is a science but it is so live with it, accept it, stop bitching and get on with your lives.

So anyways, yea, my new project: The effects of religion on suicidality.

Actually, a more accurate title would be: Catholic Theology on sin, suicide and mental illness.

I always seem to pick and get allocated projects that would allow me to write a book or two on the subject. Mental note: pick an 'easier' topic for the next few SSMs. Reality: I'd probably stick to picking out these sorts of topics to do. Why? Probably because it's a mental exercise. I love to read, I love to think (hence the Thinker) and I love to write.

I had actually for a time in my life, thought about going into a more academic field (not that medicine isn't an academic field within itself) like philosophy and even theology but because I do have certain realistic goals in life (like say make enough money to buy an Aston Martin) I chose to do something more "hands-on" where you actually get paid to do something about some other thing with certain tools and your hands. Though maybe I still can since most philosophers started out as hardcore scientists and physicians. Or maybe not considering how the world today tends to view those that have too many interests as fickle, unreliable and blatantly "weird and have no lives".

Anti-intellectualism never truly went away..... actually it never went anywhere, it's still as fervour as it were, perhaps it has even escalated.

Are people so afraid of what is different that they would even turn on those that are supposedly not like them? Not average, not 'normal'? I get that sometimes, some of us can lose a bit of our connection with people but it has nothing to do with stupidity/averageness vs intelligence. It has a lot to do with alienation and social isolation. We don't feel comfortable. Why? Simply because we're not made to feel comfortable. Subtly we are isolated and made to feel different, to feel as if we should be ashamed of ourselves because we're not like everyone else who love sports, who drink beer and whatever else "normal" folk are suppose to like doing.

So I love reading, so I love writing and I love thinking and challenging myself with new ideas everyday, what's so wrong about that?

So I watch movies for the subtext instead of the boobs and the pecs, what's wrong with that?

So I went to England to educate myself, so I read another degree - what's wrong with that?

I love university, I love being with peers, with people who can challenge me with change and ideas I haven't thought of.

I love it when people introduce me to concepts that confuse and intrigue me. I remember loving philosophy class like I loved nothing else (except for cats). I remember when my professor asked me this: "Perception is how we understand the world yes? Through our senses, we see, we touch, we hear, we smell and we taste - in essence we perceive from our senses but what is it in actuality are we perceiving? Are we perceiving the object in its full, real 'identity' or are we just making sense of the information that is fed into us from our ability to sense through our 5 modalities? Perception is how we make sense of the world, it isn't the world in its true entirety."

That statement opened up my mind to endless possibilities. Would we, as limited beings, one day achieve a state where we are able to perceive this universe for what it truly is instead of just making sense of it all and just seeing the tip of the iceberg? I would hope so.

I miss engaging in philosophical debates. I miss reading philosophy. I miss it a lot but I don't regret being where I am today (at least not yet). Eventually to be able to survive in the reality of this world, one would have to make realistic choices that would allow one to make ends meet. My ideals are never far from me, I never discarded them - I allow them free reign when I'm on holiday.

Sometimes I wish the world and everything and everyone in it would keep changing, would keep advancing at such a rate that would make heads spin but I know that's asking a little too much and it'd be unrealistic. I believe that change is good, it is an ever-present force that drives humanity and the universe forwards.

Revolution and evolution.

I see signs of mini-revolutions happening here and there. Paradigm shifts in core belief structures, reorganising the status quo slowly but surely. The world is changing whether some of us wants it to or not and I for one can't wait to see what's going to happen next. There is hope for us yet.

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Wow, ok I ranted for quite a bit and wow.......... I ended on an optimistic note. Heh ;)