Wonder ponder wonder

I wonder what the truth is. Am I as emotionally detached as I'd like to think? Am I truly able to control my emotions so well that it seems as if I don't have any or that I don't feel much? Sometimes I do think that the truth is the complete opposite: I tend to feel a lot more than I'd like to admit, more than I can block out. Relating to an especially sad situation and experiencing the sadness that radiates from it seems to be an interesting 'skill' of mine.

In 24 years I've had 2 emotional breakdowns. Major ones. Ones I don't particularly like to talk about but let's just say: they were bad. Not the sobbing "why me why me?" sort. More of the numbing, internalising until you can't feel existence, withdrawing into yourself, wanting to scream but you can't find any way of vocalising your screams, chaotic thought patterns, wanting to just cease to exist, massive blood loss sort. It's a whole lot of effort cleaning up the blood after let me tell you, phwoar. (I'm trying to be less dark here). I ended up in the foetal position once and semi-catatonic the other time.

So, am I unfeeling or do I actually feel way too much that it numbs me?

Water or Fire?

Perhaps I embody both elements.