Why do I always doubt myself I wonder...
Whenever something good happens to me I can't just live in the moment, I have to analyse it, scrutinise it, look at the nuances which everybody else disregards because it's ridiculous to even consider their significance. No, I have to take every little thing into consideration. I need to cover every aspect, every action, every intention before I can feel secure about something. More often then not I'd lose those nice feelings, having replaced them with doubt, paranoia and despair.
Why must I be affected so? Why must I react so?
Why must I always play out situations and simulations in my head before I do anything? It's always the case that I foresee or predict what is going to happen next from my observations and analyses that I don't bother to go through and find out which path reality would take because none of the paths in my calculations seem all that different from the other. The one time I did go through with it, life took the exact path I calculated it would, leaving me with nothing... well, actually it left me with less than nothing. To be fair it wasn't life but the circumstances and the choices that one person had to make. To be fair to that person, it was the only choice that was available as evident by the person's personality.
I tried suppressing this particular side of me. Tried living on the edge, doing things by impulse and living according to my 'heart'. That didn't work out particularly well either. By letting my emotions, my desires and my expectations of a person overwhelm who that person really is, I ended up hurting that person very badly. Hope can be a dangerous thing. Projecting your own hopes onto another human being can have devastating effects, especially if that person does not share your views. Nobody is ever truly "ONE"; we are all individuals and always our own person. We may live together but we all die alone (nuclear destruction, plane crash etc not withstanding though it can be argued that death is a solely personal experience). Never assume that you know every aspect of anyone or anything and never take anything or anyone for granted. That path ultimately leads to disappointment and despair.
So, what can I do? What must I do? What is the solution? If I knew, I wouldn't be bitching about this on my blog now would I?
Live each day as if it were your last? Who's to argue that a lifestyle like this one would not lead to a premature end to life?
Maybe SSRIs?
Instead of brooding and ruminating I should put certain plans and operations into effect to improve my 'quality of life' as it were and to actually attempt to attain the things and person I want in my life at the present moment.
Oh, to those that would advise me to not think so much this message is for you:
Fuck. You.
Thanks for all your advice, it's about as usual as a rotten tree branch in a fight against a machine gun totting sharpshooter.
Whenever something good happens to me I can't just live in the moment, I have to analyse it, scrutinise it, look at the nuances which everybody else disregards because it's ridiculous to even consider their significance. No, I have to take every little thing into consideration. I need to cover every aspect, every action, every intention before I can feel secure about something. More often then not I'd lose those nice feelings, having replaced them with doubt, paranoia and despair.
Why must I be affected so? Why must I react so?
Why must I always play out situations and simulations in my head before I do anything? It's always the case that I foresee or predict what is going to happen next from my observations and analyses that I don't bother to go through and find out which path reality would take because none of the paths in my calculations seem all that different from the other. The one time I did go through with it, life took the exact path I calculated it would, leaving me with nothing... well, actually it left me with less than nothing. To be fair it wasn't life but the circumstances and the choices that one person had to make. To be fair to that person, it was the only choice that was available as evident by the person's personality.
I tried suppressing this particular side of me. Tried living on the edge, doing things by impulse and living according to my 'heart'. That didn't work out particularly well either. By letting my emotions, my desires and my expectations of a person overwhelm who that person really is, I ended up hurting that person very badly. Hope can be a dangerous thing. Projecting your own hopes onto another human being can have devastating effects, especially if that person does not share your views. Nobody is ever truly "ONE"; we are all individuals and always our own person. We may live together but we all die alone (nuclear destruction, plane crash etc not withstanding though it can be argued that death is a solely personal experience). Never assume that you know every aspect of anyone or anything and never take anything or anyone for granted. That path ultimately leads to disappointment and despair.
So, what can I do? What must I do? What is the solution? If I knew, I wouldn't be bitching about this on my blog now would I?
Live each day as if it were your last? Who's to argue that a lifestyle like this one would not lead to a premature end to life?
Maybe SSRIs?
Instead of brooding and ruminating I should put certain plans and operations into effect to improve my 'quality of life' as it were and to actually attempt to attain the things and person I want in my life at the present moment.
Oh, to those that would advise me to not think so much this message is for you:
Fuck. You.
Thanks for all your advice, it's about as usual as a rotten tree branch in a fight against a machine gun totting sharpshooter.
