Battered shield...

mum... I know you and dad mean well but sometimes you just don't get it. how lonely I feel... it's not that my friends and I have tons of important stuff to talk about, it's just that your son is extremely lonely.....

it's not the sort of loneliness you can cure by spending more time with me either, no matter how many friends I have, I still am very lonely. my friends in the UK might be the best thing that has ever happened to me but I still feel lonely with them because I just do.

with some I connect almost instantaneously and the loneliness fades but that is a feat difficult to accomplish. one has to experience the same level of void-like emptiness, to experience the cut of the blade and the anguish of self doubt so torturing you wonder why you're alive and ponder if anyone would truly miss you if you weren't around. it doesn't mean I'm strong or unbroken when I don't show any signs of it, sometimes I am just too proud to admit I'm weak but when I am weak, I am very weak.

I am a lonely boy in the inside but a strong, egotistical person on the outside because, it's my shield. A battered shield.

Learn this simple rule; hurt or abuse those I love in any way, be prepared to face the consequences.

I lost my temper again.

The day started out ok, it was a rather bad few days but Sunday started out well. I was slowly recovering from my low but it had to, had to be today that the parentals chose to "warn me in order to protect me" or "save me from the enemies that are around me". Yes I know they mean well but it just disgusted me so much, so fucking much. I had thought about coming back home to my home country in order to practise here and change our world but I'm starting to wonder what the point is?

If I'm willing to bring about evolution but no one is willing to accept it, what's the point? They taught me to think big, achieve more, go beyond the status quo and here they are imposing it. Sure, they're not really the ones imposing it they're just watching out for me within the supposed constraints of the law and our society but if no one is willing to go against society than evolution and revolution will never occur, we will just be stagnant for life in our set ways. Never moving forward, never achieving anything close to greatness.

Society is poison.

I hope the previous generation die suddenly without having enough time to ingrain the status quo into my generation but it looks to be too late anyways so I suppose I would one day choose the easier road, move away. Bringing those closest to me with me if possible.

On another note: I lost my temper on another matter.

No one and I mean NO ONE abuses those I love. You do, you either see my fists coming at you or you get your head smashed into a glass table. Trust me, I can do far worse and repeat offences mean you start losing the use of some limbs. My anatomy may be crap but I know enough to allow me to pass into clinical years, meaning I know enough to make it hurt, forever or at least until you are in need of surgical treatment.

NO ONE HURTS THOSE I LOVE.

Clear and simple rule. Learn it.

Weak

I realise I'm the most selfishly human when I'm weak.

Vulnerable, frail, selfish, lonely. Reaching out to people.

Loving those I love, punishing those I don't.

Wanting not to be lonely...

Wishing things were different.

I am most human when I'm weak; selfish and lonely.

This last couple of days I was weak. Today or more like yesterday, I was at my weakest... I hope.

Tomorrow or today, I shall be back to "normal".

I leave with that.

Personal Observations

I realised I'm not exactly that good at hiding my displeasure.

Circumstances

When circumstances work against you, especially when they conspire to take you down, destroy everything and anything that would make you happy for the "greater good" then the intent of it all is impure.

When the "greater good" is supposedly "religion" over say personal happiness or say the lives of others especially when the "greater good" that is "religion" only pertains to those that manipulate those circumstances in order to maintain their status quo or their supposed "good name" then the "greater good" in itself is impure, corrupt and evil.

Yes, ladies and gentlemen, you have finally read me use the term evil in reference to something other than myself in this blog. This is how fucked up I think the whole thing is.

So, what can one do in these sort of situations with these sort of circumstances and intentions? Easy; give in or fight a drawn out war.

Neither is actually the easy choice and the 3rd option is nonsensical (in case anyone was wondering yes I was thinking of R&J)

When circumstances work against you, you work around them. The war will be long, tedious and there will be times when doubt will creep in but you will have allies by your side and it will be worth it to fight, even if it is a hopeless war. The hopeless wars are the ones that are worth fighting for.

The previous generation will die one day and we shall be free. Let us just make sure we break free from their archaic concept of social constraints as well when it is our turn to run the world.

As I sit here on my living room floor deciding what to write on this nearly forsaken blog of mine whilst listening to Radiohead's 'Creep' as my friends are dozing off around me I realise that sleep sometimes can be a luxury for me. It's not to say that I can't fall asleep or that I don't get enough of it, sometimes I just think I consciously will myself not to sleep because I'd miss to much of life going on. I don't know why, I suppose being in the position I'm in I should know better but I also know how unexpectedly short life can be so I don't want to miss anything. Yet when it really comes down to living, I am rather stagnant. Stagnant as a pool of water devoid of oxygen.

It's amazing! I'm non-coherent in real life but rather coherent in written form! In case anyone is wondering I am slightly intoxicated right now though the buzz is leaving already.

Placebo's 'Protege Moi' is playing right now... Protect me from what I want... What do I want really? Do I actually need protection from it? I barely know what I want from life yet I feel as if I'm letting it pass by if I fall asleep. The only thing in my life right now that I know for certain is that I want to succeed.

Hmmm I seem to have written this particular post when I was infused with vodka, now that I am sober, I forget what the original intent of this post is suppose to be. Ah well, my PS3 arrived today!!!!!!!!!! WOOOOO!!

Squee!

SQUEEE!!!

hehe :)

Update finally?

So, what have I been up to for the hols?

Been meeting up with old friends and kinda new friends and generally having a great time. Got myself attached to the local hospital for fun :P Did 2 weeks in the psychiatric department which was incredible!! Now I'm in A&E assisting SHOs with procedures and such. Performed CPR on a patient but unfortunately she died :(

In other news, I got 2 of my closest friends together! Yes, I played matchmaker and it's going great! :D

What else? Hmmmm, nothing much really. Too tired to go deep. I've updated the Fallen Literati so ppl can check that out. Well, till later I suppose :) I should sleep really but sleep like always is still a luxury. A friend suggested that I need a babe to look after me, haha couldn't agree more :) Till I find my truth, sleep tight all ye who slumbers.

Great News!!

I've passed my exams!!! I'm heading into 3rd year!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

WOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Update

I've created another blog for my experimentations in poetry, creative writing and whatnots that have nothing to do with ranting. I'm keeping this one rant full and that one rant free.

As I'm too tired and too bored to rant for too long I'll just say this. I miss old friends, it was very very very nice and refreshing to meet up with Soph on Saturday. Having one of the few people in the world that you can freely and I mean freely talk to without watching what you have to say or facing some sort of judgement is quite liberating. These are the only handful of people in the world that I suppose you could call my best friends and now I have one of them in my city, hopefully more will follow (hint. you know who you are. yes I am referring to you 3 back home and I know for a fact that one of you don't read my blog that often, shame on you.)

You guys make me less miserable. Thanks for that.