La dee das

One of my consultants on my rotational surgical firm attachments said this to me today as I was assisting him in a procedure; "There's a hidden surgeon wanting to break out from that shell of yours." It's nice to be complimented by a consultant. God knows very little impresses them, especially when you're a 3rd year doe-eyed medical student.

So yea, today's been a long, hectic day that started out like one of those days but ended very well.

Will update more when my rotation's done. I miss my sleep, amongst other things.

Busy busy busy

Looks like I'll be rather busy from now on. Lectures start tomorrow and surgical rotations start next week. Asides from the full day schedule Mondays to Fridays I'll be on call once a week in the different surgical departments plus one weekend.

On call room here I come!!

Also, we get our own pager thingies!! :D To bleep us when there's an emergency so we can rush into the hospital in the middle of the night! (actually we get hospital issued ones and I think there's only 4 in a group of 10 so how that's going to be sorted out is a mystery.... no pager = stay in on call room until something happens?)

Hospital management advised us to arrange the rota ourselves in groups of 2 for our on call nights ;) hehehehehehehehehe

I am so gonna love this job and probably hate it at the end of a hectic day but love it nonetheless.

A few friends and I had a nice dinner get together last night at Eva's which was yummylicious. Me of course being me, not knowing how to cook or do anything productive, supplied wine :P Thanks for the wonderful meal Elena, Eva and yes, Michele :D Seeing as my mum's here I'll arrange a dinner where she'll make some lovely dishes because if it were left to me to save the world by cooking, we are so fucked.

In one of our NON-alcohol or drug induced surreal 'adult' discussions we talked about religion and I think some of us have come to the conclusion that Medicine IS a religion and will promptly note it down as such in the next census. Of course later on in the night, almost every one of us came to the realisation that maybe we should not have been allowed into the clinical years... or actually medical school for that matter. We are, all of us, afraid for our patients hehehehehe :D Though on a serious note, I think we all have the potential to be good if not great medics.

Wish us all luck.

Surgery

My 1st experience in surgery and it has to be in Urology!!

Back in London

Business class was niiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiice :D

I'm so tired :( Classes start on Monday for a full week of lectures then it's off to my surgical placement the week after! Wheee!!

An end to an interesting final long summer

So this is the end of my final long summer break. After this my holidays are few and far between, not to mention short. I'm flying back to London in the morning, back to my clinical years which means no more faffing around being stupid. It's time to get serious, to put all other thoughts away and focus on the job.

It's rather bittersweet I think. A lot of things happened this short summer: Two of my closest and dearest friends getting together, helping to plan for my beloved non-genetic female twin's surprise '17th' birthday party, letting a life slip through my fingers as I watched helplessly while trying to catch my breath in between compressions, smashing the head of an idiot into a glass table because he wouldn't stop heckling my twin, seeing those I care about happy finally. There were highs and lows and lows and lower still but at least it's starting to stabilise again. Hopefully they'll be highs soon enough. As I said, it's all bittersweet. Today was also quite possibly the last time I'll set foot in the ancestral home. My grandfather passed away not long ago and now the family's deciding what to do with the place. Civil War is coming and not the good kind with hot Bucky running around I'm afraid ;)

I hate goodbyes so I won't say anything about that because I'll try to come back as much as I can. No matter how much I detest this place at times it's still home and there are still people I care about here. People I call friends.

To Rin, I hope all goes well and you stay happy. Look for me for anything.

To Ivan, I hope all goes well for you too mate, you know how to find me.

To you both, all the very best.

To Fariah, thanks for an interesting summer. So sorry I can't make it for yours and Shook's wedding. I hope you two will be so happy. Congratulations!

To Shah, wish you were here this time round :(

To Markie, come to London oi! Stupid God-brother.

You are all family.

To everyone else, I'll see you when I see you.

Signing off,
BBCFY

Battered shield...

mum... I know you and dad mean well but sometimes you just don't get it. how lonely I feel... it's not that my friends and I have tons of important stuff to talk about, it's just that your son is extremely lonely.....

it's not the sort of loneliness you can cure by spending more time with me either, no matter how many friends I have, I still am very lonely. my friends in the UK might be the best thing that has ever happened to me but I still feel lonely with them because I just do.

with some I connect almost instantaneously and the loneliness fades but that is a feat difficult to accomplish. one has to experience the same level of void-like emptiness, to experience the cut of the blade and the anguish of self doubt so torturing you wonder why you're alive and ponder if anyone would truly miss you if you weren't around. it doesn't mean I'm strong or unbroken when I don't show any signs of it, sometimes I am just too proud to admit I'm weak but when I am weak, I am very weak.

I am a lonely boy in the inside but a strong, egotistical person on the outside because, it's my shield. A battered shield.

Learn this simple rule; hurt or abuse those I love in any way, be prepared to face the consequences.

I lost my temper again.

The day started out ok, it was a rather bad few days but Sunday started out well. I was slowly recovering from my low but it had to, had to be today that the parentals chose to "warn me in order to protect me" or "save me from the enemies that are around me". Yes I know they mean well but it just disgusted me so much, so fucking much. I had thought about coming back home to my home country in order to practise here and change our world but I'm starting to wonder what the point is?

If I'm willing to bring about evolution but no one is willing to accept it, what's the point? They taught me to think big, achieve more, go beyond the status quo and here they are imposing it. Sure, they're not really the ones imposing it they're just watching out for me within the supposed constraints of the law and our society but if no one is willing to go against society than evolution and revolution will never occur, we will just be stagnant for life in our set ways. Never moving forward, never achieving anything close to greatness.

Society is poison.

I hope the previous generation die suddenly without having enough time to ingrain the status quo into my generation but it looks to be too late anyways so I suppose I would one day choose the easier road, move away. Bringing those closest to me with me if possible.

On another note: I lost my temper on another matter.

No one and I mean NO ONE abuses those I love. You do, you either see my fists coming at you or you get your head smashed into a glass table. Trust me, I can do far worse and repeat offences mean you start losing the use of some limbs. My anatomy may be crap but I know enough to allow me to pass into clinical years, meaning I know enough to make it hurt, forever or at least until you are in need of surgical treatment.

NO ONE HURTS THOSE I LOVE.

Clear and simple rule. Learn it.

Weak

I realise I'm the most selfishly human when I'm weak.

Vulnerable, frail, selfish, lonely. Reaching out to people.

Loving those I love, punishing those I don't.

Wanting not to be lonely...

Wishing things were different.

I am most human when I'm weak; selfish and lonely.

This last couple of days I was weak. Today or more like yesterday, I was at my weakest... I hope.

Tomorrow or today, I shall be back to "normal".

I leave with that.

Personal Observations

I realised I'm not exactly that good at hiding my displeasure.

Circumstances

When circumstances work against you, especially when they conspire to take you down, destroy everything and anything that would make you happy for the "greater good" then the intent of it all is impure.

When the "greater good" is supposedly "religion" over say personal happiness or say the lives of others especially when the "greater good" that is "religion" only pertains to those that manipulate those circumstances in order to maintain their status quo or their supposed "good name" then the "greater good" in itself is impure, corrupt and evil.

Yes, ladies and gentlemen, you have finally read me use the term evil in reference to something other than myself in this blog. This is how fucked up I think the whole thing is.

So, what can one do in these sort of situations with these sort of circumstances and intentions? Easy; give in or fight a drawn out war.

Neither is actually the easy choice and the 3rd option is nonsensical (in case anyone was wondering yes I was thinking of R&J)

When circumstances work against you, you work around them. The war will be long, tedious and there will be times when doubt will creep in but you will have allies by your side and it will be worth it to fight, even if it is a hopeless war. The hopeless wars are the ones that are worth fighting for.

The previous generation will die one day and we shall be free. Let us just make sure we break free from their archaic concept of social constraints as well when it is our turn to run the world.