Am I built for this?
Am I capable of being a healer?
I'm much more adept at destroying and deconstructing, anybody can tell you that much about me. Breaking things down to their basic building blocks; that's what I'm more than capable of. As a child I've always found it exciting to take anything that I came across apart into teeny little pieces. Of course putting it back together is a tougher challenge which I didn't really pick up until recently.
Let's put this into context then: human beings. I do the same with people. I deconstruct them to their basic driving forces, vices, impulses and ulterior motives. Psychologically anyways.. but it's about the same however I look at a person: I break them down into their genetics, their physical construct and their sociopsychological construct as I said. I find it easier that way maybe so that I don't have to 'deal' with a full person. It has work for me so far and no one has particularly noticed anything peculiar about how I handle other people but at times I do come across as being a tad cold. Maybe it's the only way I can remain objective because if I were to allow myself to get involved, I'd get very involved and lose all sense of objectivity.
I wonder if my parents ever wonder about this aspect of their child. In many circumstances that has to deal with death, I am one of the most detached persons they can ever find... not including those that don't really care much about the deceased or dying of course. This is not recent too, I've always been like this.. ever since I can remember. No matter how close I was to the person, upon their death I could never 'react'.. of course on the inside I was sad but it doesn't show. I just detach myself rather quickly. The only time I got 'involved' I lost all control and wept like a newborn....... and it was the death of my favourite cat that drove me there. I do feel and I can relate to sadness but expressing it is something else altogether.
I worry about my humanity.. I worry about not being able to communicate my emotions to other human beings. I can say words I don't mean or mean very little with little difficulty but expressing my genuine feelings verbally is something I have rarely or never done. I've never told anyone how I genuinely felt about them; if I did it would have been toned down or sugarcoated unless it were in anger or in spite. Why is it so difficult for me to express my true emotions to another living human being? Why is it so hard for me to hold someone I'm affectionate with? God knows I want to. God also knows I'd start breaking that person down into their base parts and suspect their motives sooner or later and I'll detach myself then.
So I ask myself, can I be a healer despite my shortcomings?
Am I capable of being a healer?
I'm much more adept at destroying and deconstructing, anybody can tell you that much about me. Breaking things down to their basic building blocks; that's what I'm more than capable of. As a child I've always found it exciting to take anything that I came across apart into teeny little pieces. Of course putting it back together is a tougher challenge which I didn't really pick up until recently.
Let's put this into context then: human beings. I do the same with people. I deconstruct them to their basic driving forces, vices, impulses and ulterior motives. Psychologically anyways.. but it's about the same however I look at a person: I break them down into their genetics, their physical construct and their sociopsychological construct as I said. I find it easier that way maybe so that I don't have to 'deal' with a full person. It has work for me so far and no one has particularly noticed anything peculiar about how I handle other people but at times I do come across as being a tad cold. Maybe it's the only way I can remain objective because if I were to allow myself to get involved, I'd get very involved and lose all sense of objectivity.
I wonder if my parents ever wonder about this aspect of their child. In many circumstances that has to deal with death, I am one of the most detached persons they can ever find... not including those that don't really care much about the deceased or dying of course. This is not recent too, I've always been like this.. ever since I can remember. No matter how close I was to the person, upon their death I could never 'react'.. of course on the inside I was sad but it doesn't show. I just detach myself rather quickly. The only time I got 'involved' I lost all control and wept like a newborn....... and it was the death of my favourite cat that drove me there. I do feel and I can relate to sadness but expressing it is something else altogether.
I worry about my humanity.. I worry about not being able to communicate my emotions to other human beings. I can say words I don't mean or mean very little with little difficulty but expressing my genuine feelings verbally is something I have rarely or never done. I've never told anyone how I genuinely felt about them; if I did it would have been toned down or sugarcoated unless it were in anger or in spite. Why is it so difficult for me to express my true emotions to another living human being? Why is it so hard for me to hold someone I'm affectionate with? God knows I want to. God also knows I'd start breaking that person down into their base parts and suspect their motives sooner or later and I'll detach myself then.
So I ask myself, can I be a healer despite my shortcomings?
Can I be a healer when I need healing?
Can I ever stop being so paranoid and actually let people in?
Can I ever stop being so paranoid and actually let people in?
2 comments:
Berd,
you seem fine to me. that's what makes you unique. :)
haha thanks shah :)
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