Here's a paradoxical fact about moi: I hate and love nighttime.
I love it because I'm generally a night person and it is usually when I feel most alive and actually get around to doing stuff. I won't tell you what stuff because you really don't want to know what I do at night........... actually I will tell you since it does lead in into why I hate nights. Anyways, more about that later; in essence I enjoy being by myself, doing my own things without interruptions from the rest of the world (yes I mean you). It's the time of day almost completely devoted to myself (not that I would actually devote my time of day to anyone else but there are moments, I ain't Narcissus... yet), even if I spent my nights with people, it's spent with people I want to spend it with. It's all about control you see but even that is an illusion since in reality you can't really control anything. You can however make choices, granted it may be a choice between the lesser of two evils but you could always choose the more evil. So yes, paradoxically I chose to be alone and yet I at the same time, dread to be alone. Though this reluctance to be alone is nowhere near strong enough to force me to seek the company of those whom I cannot tolerate. Like I said, lesser of two evils though some of you might see my decision as the greater of the evils but let's not talk about you because you don't really matter, only 'I' matter. It's how the world works isn't it? Don't deny it, don't be a holier than thou hypocrite and please for the sake of the universe, don't embarrass yourself. To those that say "I hate pretentiousness" I say: "I hate false modesty". To hell with the anti-intellectual crap, embrace your inner narcissism and actually strive to be more than what you are or what people see you as.
Now, to why I hate nights. Most of you who haven't been too insulted up to this point and have decided to read on will know that I have amongst other things, an over active brain. I can never stop thinking. Not really because I neurologically can't, it's really just because I'm afraid to stop. I can't deal with the void, not yet. I find no peace in emptiness and nothingness. I'm the sort that finds peace in knowledge, information and noise... well not really noise but you know what I mean, if you don't why are you reading this? I place great value in knowledge, too great if you ask others. They might be right, they may be wrong but it's what I chose so I'll stick with it. My concept of heaven, of eternal rest, of the afterlife is the assimilation of the 'being' or the soul self if you will, into a communal consciousness of those that have gone before. A pool of psyches and hence, knowledge itself whilst still retaining that individuality to experience it and appreciate it. That is the concept I would like to believe in, a personal heaven not so much unlike our reality now, maybe even a purgatory to allow those not used to the idea of the 'real' afterlife to get used to the fact and learn to move on. Honestly the hard selling that goes on in church ain't helping one bit. In my school days, we were painted a picture of heaven and this is how it looks like: you're basically sexless, everyone's either your brother or sister (contradictory to what was said about sexless I know, imagine how I felt), you have harps on which you will praise god 24/7 not that time actually moves or anything and you're all in robes and have no sense of individualities. Oh, and you're living on clouds. Now if someone were to tell me that heaven was a never ending green field with clear blue skies and emerald seas stretching pass the horizon into eternity and you're on a new sort of journey to rediscover 'life' I would have been a devout whatever.
Right now I believe in nothing and that scares me whenever I think about death. It's hard to avoid it since I'm in this field of work, it scares me to no end, having no firm belief of an afterlife. Death doesn't bring peace to me, it brings emptiness and nothingness. I need to believe in something other than hermaphrodites up in the clouds prancing around or nothingness because if that's the best anyone can offer, I'll always fear and despise death. Despite what I or anyone else have to say, I am still rather inherently Catholic and as far as I know the Catholic concept of heaven is more of a spiritual homecoming to a non-physical 'abode' for souls within YHWH since all souls are a fragment of YHWH in the first place (score 1 against free will) so where the fuck in creation did my teachers who are responsible for my spiritual education come up with the hermaphrodite theory??
You can tell I'm rather traumatised. Knowing better now doesn't really justify the lack of trust I put in my own religion seeing as those responsible for educating us in our own religion are piss poor at it. For creation's sake, save the children! Don't dumb it down, don't make up stories. Don't take kids for idiots, you'll just ruin their lives.
Heaven, I think, at the end of the day is a concept that we can and we should strive towards here in our present reality, in this world. If we put too much effort and hope into the afterlife, great atrocities will and have already been committed in order to 'reach heaven' by atrocious acts and the absence of action.
All for the promise of a better life.
Paradise on Earth or Sugarcandy Mountain?
It's time to choose.
I love it because I'm generally a night person and it is usually when I feel most alive and actually get around to doing stuff. I won't tell you what stuff because you really don't want to know what I do at night........... actually I will tell you since it does lead in into why I hate nights. Anyways, more about that later; in essence I enjoy being by myself, doing my own things without interruptions from the rest of the world (yes I mean you). It's the time of day almost completely devoted to myself (not that I would actually devote my time of day to anyone else but there are moments, I ain't Narcissus... yet), even if I spent my nights with people, it's spent with people I want to spend it with. It's all about control you see but even that is an illusion since in reality you can't really control anything. You can however make choices, granted it may be a choice between the lesser of two evils but you could always choose the more evil. So yes, paradoxically I chose to be alone and yet I at the same time, dread to be alone. Though this reluctance to be alone is nowhere near strong enough to force me to seek the company of those whom I cannot tolerate. Like I said, lesser of two evils though some of you might see my decision as the greater of the evils but let's not talk about you because you don't really matter, only 'I' matter. It's how the world works isn't it? Don't deny it, don't be a holier than thou hypocrite and please for the sake of the universe, don't embarrass yourself. To those that say "I hate pretentiousness" I say: "I hate false modesty". To hell with the anti-intellectual crap, embrace your inner narcissism and actually strive to be more than what you are or what people see you as.
Now, to why I hate nights. Most of you who haven't been too insulted up to this point and have decided to read on will know that I have amongst other things, an over active brain. I can never stop thinking. Not really because I neurologically can't, it's really just because I'm afraid to stop. I can't deal with the void, not yet. I find no peace in emptiness and nothingness. I'm the sort that finds peace in knowledge, information and noise... well not really noise but you know what I mean, if you don't why are you reading this? I place great value in knowledge, too great if you ask others. They might be right, they may be wrong but it's what I chose so I'll stick with it. My concept of heaven, of eternal rest, of the afterlife is the assimilation of the 'being' or the soul self if you will, into a communal consciousness of those that have gone before. A pool of psyches and hence, knowledge itself whilst still retaining that individuality to experience it and appreciate it. That is the concept I would like to believe in, a personal heaven not so much unlike our reality now, maybe even a purgatory to allow those not used to the idea of the 'real' afterlife to get used to the fact and learn to move on. Honestly the hard selling that goes on in church ain't helping one bit. In my school days, we were painted a picture of heaven and this is how it looks like: you're basically sexless, everyone's either your brother or sister (contradictory to what was said about sexless I know, imagine how I felt), you have harps on which you will praise god 24/7 not that time actually moves or anything and you're all in robes and have no sense of individualities. Oh, and you're living on clouds. Now if someone were to tell me that heaven was a never ending green field with clear blue skies and emerald seas stretching pass the horizon into eternity and you're on a new sort of journey to rediscover 'life' I would have been a devout whatever.
Right now I believe in nothing and that scares me whenever I think about death. It's hard to avoid it since I'm in this field of work, it scares me to no end, having no firm belief of an afterlife. Death doesn't bring peace to me, it brings emptiness and nothingness. I need to believe in something other than hermaphrodites up in the clouds prancing around or nothingness because if that's the best anyone can offer, I'll always fear and despise death. Despite what I or anyone else have to say, I am still rather inherently Catholic and as far as I know the Catholic concept of heaven is more of a spiritual homecoming to a non-physical 'abode' for souls within YHWH since all souls are a fragment of YHWH in the first place (score 1 against free will) so where the fuck in creation did my teachers who are responsible for my spiritual education come up with the hermaphrodite theory??
You can tell I'm rather traumatised. Knowing better now doesn't really justify the lack of trust I put in my own religion seeing as those responsible for educating us in our own religion are piss poor at it. For creation's sake, save the children! Don't dumb it down, don't make up stories. Don't take kids for idiots, you'll just ruin their lives.
Heaven, I think, at the end of the day is a concept that we can and we should strive towards here in our present reality, in this world. If we put too much effort and hope into the afterlife, great atrocities will and have already been committed in order to 'reach heaven' by atrocious acts and the absence of action.
All for the promise of a better life.
Paradise on Earth or Sugarcandy Mountain?
It's time to choose.
3 comments:
Though I think your title should be afterlife or what is heaven rather than you love/hate nights. If you find out what heaven is do let me know... but at the moment I do think of it as people living on clouds in robes playing harps! :P hence I can't bring myself to believe in god. While you are there can you also find out what is hell? At the moment, I think it is a place where there are lots of ugly horned devils that are in charge in possibly what looks like the centre of the earth and we becoming slaves as we enter it. I must be watching far too much tv/movies.....
yup, it's time to choose. not that we have various options to choose from, to begin with.
enjoy your weekend, Berd!
yan: I have a habit of not knowing exactly what I'll be writing hence my titles never really reflect what I wrote (since I go free-flow), it's a curse; I'm bad at titles.
shah: thanks. I wish I knew where I was heading sigh.
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